


kingdom come undone

by wyverntail



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Post-War, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, TWSITD will show up, byleth experiences Anxiety™, chapters 1-7 are war time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26243287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyverntail/pseuds/wyverntail
Summary: Soon after the war ends, Byleth finds herself weighed down by the pressure of her new status in the world. As her friends begin to take on their new roles away from her, she begins a new path of her own, eager not only to help rebuild the country and church but to discover more about her past.And she will absolutely not think about Felix Fraldarius.(tags will update as the story updates)
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 16
Kudos: 51





	1. when the smoke clears

**Author's Note:**

> hey, everybody!
> 
> this is my first fic, so... this should be fun. 
> 
> shoutout to the felileth discord server! thank you all for listening to my rambling. you're all brilliant as hell.
> 
> i hope y'all enjoy the fluff before the storm.
> 
> tw: byleth experiences some anxiety in this chapter. she's Overwhelmed™

**Lone Moon, 1186**

As Byleth sat at the edge of the dock, a cold wind ripped through the air, reminding her of a night not that long ago.

Back then, the constant threats from the Empire and learning about this new strange world she’d woken up in consumed her every movement and thought.

She supposed she felt similar now, with very different problems. No army was at their door now, just uprisings and rebellions every once in a while. The country was still a mess, the church was more confusing than ever because of her and they still had to work very hard to repair the relationship with the former Empire. It wasn’t easy, though she never thought it would be. She never thought she’d be in this position at all. The only difference now was how painfully lonely she felt.

The war was over.

Almost everyone had returned to their homes and were helping Dimitri rebuild their broken society.

Last year she’d had the privilege of a fantastic sparring partner.

Now, she had Yuri, who was very skilled, but seldom wanted to spar with the intensity she craved.

The intensity she had with _him._

Byleth had hardly given herself the time to think about the past, given the state of the world as it was. She didn't even want to think about it. But there was always a lingering pain, tugging in the place where her heart should be beating, that reminded her someone was missing.

Maybe tonight she would let herself think about it, only for a moment.

~

**Lone Moon, 1185**

An uncomfortable pain had settled in Byleth’s chest since she’d come back.

Standing at the edge of the dock of the Garreg Mach pond, she tried to suppress all of the thoughts whirring through her mind.

The past two and a half months had been a whirlwind of information being thrown at her. She’d tried her best to keep up with what everyone was telling her, but it was just too much. Byleth had already begun to take up her father’s old habits of journaling to keep things straight. Her nights were consumed with writing down the various details she remembered at the end of the day, not wanting to miss another moment of everything going on. The guilt of not being able to help ate at her every minute if she let it, her old students older, more somber smiles a kick to her gut every time they looked at her.

One day she’s helping everyone fend off the Empire army at Garreg Mach, the next she’s waking up at the bottom of a river by some stranger only to learn it had been five years.

Five whole years and everyone had changed so much.

Edelgard had taken control of large parts of Faerghus and the Alliance.

Everyone thought Dimitri had been executed years ago, but he was alive.

Dedue was believed to be dead. She couldn’t even stomach the thought of it, yet. The entire greenhouse felt like a living memorial of their companion. Ashe and Annette insisted on returning the plants to their former glory in his honour.

Dimitri was more haunted than he’d ever been before, and she hardly knew what to do about it. Felix was right, and she didn’t ever doubt him. She’d just never imagined it would come to this. The fact that people are taking shifts watching him broke her heart in a way she didn’t know it could.

Trying to talk him down from throwing himself out into battle on a rampage just to kill Edelgard was a full-time job on top of trying to command an army. He was so determined to have her head that he had no care for everyone trying to do the right thing. But what even was the right thing anymore?

And now that Rodrigue was around, she hoped he’d be able to talk some sense in him, though their conversation didn’t seem to be that convincing.

He said he hoped she could continue to help Dimitri.

But was she really helping at all?

Her head pounded the more she thought about it.

The one distraction she’d had these past few months was sparring with Felix. He’d really grown since the last time she saw him, though he was still the same. Always striving to be better. Always stronger. He was angry at her for disappearing for so long, and she understood. The rest of them should’ve been mad at her too, though they just seemed happy to see her at all. She wasn’t sure Felix was _happy._

But, it gave her an extremely helpful distraction. To spar for the sake of sparring, to not need to talk about what the hell was going on with the world. To be able numb out and focus on the way her arms felt when she swung her sword instead of the never-ending tightness in her chest.

It felt good.

Moving forward, she had to try to find a way to get Dimitri in the right mindset, work with Gilbert and Rodrigue on their next moves since Dimitri was so damn uncooperative. She had to figure out how they were even going to take Enbarr with Edelgard around.

Her army had grown considerably based on what the others told her, Felix, Sylvain, and Ingrid fighting the brunt of the army that had settled in Fhirdiad who continue to batter the territories. Ashe and Annette somehow made it out of their territories when they fell under Empire rule. Those who killed her father were nowhere to be found for the time being.

Everyone was looking to her to do something and make this all right. They took her coming back as a glorious sign from the Goddess that things would change.

But she wasn’t the Goddess.

She wasn’t Sothis.

Sothis was gone.

Her father was gone.

The two constants in her life were gone.

And now the weight of the world was left on her shoulders.

She wasn’t used to feeling so damn much.

She used to be unshakeable through everything, and at this moment, she almost missed it. To feel nothing. To power through everything without a thought because the only way was forward.

A cold wind ripped through the air causing her hair to flow around her like she was in a wind tunnel. The chill hit her, immediately causing her body to violently shiver. The way the moon reflected in the water made it seem inviting. Maybe if she shocked herself, the flood of unknown emotions and thoughts would stop for just one second—

~

Felix was out at the training grounds late when he finally began the walk back to his dorm room.

All of his muscles ached from training so hard recently. He was trying his best to get in top form for the fighting to come, pushing himself harder than he should to finally notch a win on Byleth after all these years. It was exhilarating and intoxicating to have a sparring partner that shared his drive again. But it was also infuriating how good she was after… what had she said again? _Sleeping_ at the bottom of a ravine for five years, was it? As angry as he was that she’d disappeared like that, he was glad to have her back.

As Felix approached the greenhouse, he caught the glimpse of a shock of green hair, illuminated in the moonlight. Byleth looked like she was contemplating something, her hands fidgeting at her sides as she stared into the pond. Her body was leaning towards the water ever so slightly, it almost looked like she was going to jump in.

“What the fuck is she doing?” He said out loud, breaking out into a sprint towards the dock.

The former professor had been acting strange since she’d gotten back. If it was possible, she was quieter than she usually was, bouncing from place to place around the monastery like a bee to flowers. She’d been more intense in their sparring sessions, not that he minded. The challenge was welcomed, though he was starting to have doubts she was truly alright.

“Byleth!” He shouted, startling her for the first time in his memory. She turned around with her mouth half-open, looking more panicked than he’d ever seen her. Even from the start of the dock, he could see her breathing was ragged, her brows furrowing together, no doubt trying to come up with an excuse as to what was going on.

“What the hell are you doing, Byleth?” He demanded, beginning to take slow steps towards her. “It’s freezing cold out here.”

“I don’t know.” She choked out, eyes closed and fists shaking at her sides. “I just wanted to clear my head.”

His heart sunk at her words. Byleth was always so composed, what the hell happened to drive her to this?

Reaching out, he grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her away from the edge of the dock. Her eyes opened and stared at the ground between them, fists still shaking at her sides.

“Were you going to jump in?” Felix asks.

“No,” She shook her head, eyes catching his for a moment. He could see her crumble under his stare.

“What were you doing, then?” He asked again, his grip on her arm increasing slightly. She looked away with a pained expression, shaking her head. A part of him felt the urge to just wrap her up in his arms and pull her away from all of this. The other wanted to shake her to just be out with it and snap out of whatever the hell she was thinking.

The way she was biting her lip to hold back the tears was just too much.

“Byleth, talk to me,“ He pressed in a less harsh tone.

“You should rest, you’ve been training most of the day, haven’t you?” She asked, clenching her jaw tight.“I didn’t even see you for dinner.”

“Not until you talk to me.” He said, furrowing his brows at her. There was no way he would leave her alone now. He wasn’t about to watch someone else fall into madness.

She let out a sharp breath, bringing her hand up to push her hair back behind her ear. She was visibly steeling herself, shoving away whatever the hell just happened.

“Would you like to come to my room for some tea?”

Felix sighed, shaking his head.

“Sure.”

“Fine.”

Pushing past him, she began to lead the way to her quarters, the sound of their footsteps echoing on the stone pathways feeling far too loud for the hour. Once they arrived to her room, she shut the door behind him and began fluttering around to prepare tea as she usually did.

It had been five years since they’d had tea together.

Her mouth was pressed into a hard line, obviously still trying to shove back whatever the hell just happened. Felix wasn’t going to let it go that easy, though.

“You can sit,” She murmured, nodding her head towards the chairs. He did as he was told.

“Are you going to explain?” He asked as he sat down, watching as she placed the teacups on the table and began to fill them.

“I told you already,” She said firmly, sitting down at the opposite chair. Byleth pulled her cup towards her and placed a couple of sugar cubes in it, swirling it around as she thought. “I wanted to clear my head.”

“By jumping in the freezing cold pond?” Felix asked, folding his arms over his chest. “You do know the pond is well below normal temperatures, right?”

“Of course I do, Felix.” She sighed, bringing a hand up to rub her forehead. “I didn’t say it was _rational_ , I was just thinking.”

“And what the hell would prompt you to think about jumping into freezing cold water that could kill you in an instant?” He pressed.

She paused for a moment, bringing her teacup to her lips with shaky hands.

“It’s been overwhelming the past couple of months.”

He almost wanted to retaliate, tell her everyone had been overwhelmed for years now with everything going on. Some of their friends had to escape their lands to get away from the war, they’d seen more battles than they ever did when they were students and they knew the deaths were just going to keep rolling on in. They’d been through so much without her, and she still barely had an idea of what happened in her absence. He didn’t blame her for it, of course, it wasn’t her fault she was gone for five whole years.

She didn’t ask for that.

But if _he_ was overwhelmed over the years, she must have been floored having only just woken up. To learn that she’d been gone for so long. To learn that everyone had endured such difficulties while she was gone. The guilt of not being there, or being able to do anything. Of having the task of putting everything back together again thrown on her shoulders the moment she returned. The burden of needing to attend to that beast of a man most of them still called a friend for whatever fucked up reason.

Felix noticed her differences in their sparring matches the past couple of months. She was hitting harder than ever, and though he was up to the challenge, it was slightly worrying. He’d noticed she’d come to spar to blow off steam like they used to, but there was an edge. He had assumed it was just the weight of the war. It was obvious now that it was far more than that.

He had five years to deal with it and she had a couple of months.

“I know.” He said, looking at the floor. “You’ve been more intense in our sparring matches.”

To his surprise, Byleth let out a small laugh.

“What’s funny about that?”

“Nothing, you just…” She sighed, shaking her head before her eyes finally met his. There was a ghost of a smile on her lips. It made his stomach flip. “You can always read me and it’s still surprising.”

He opened his mouth to retaliate with something, but nothing came out. Picking up the tea and taking a sip, he hoped the cup would hide most of the pink that began to surface on his cheeks.

“Being overwhelmed isn’t reason enough to jump into the freezing water.” He said, changing the subject.

“You’re right,” Byleth replied, leaning back in her chair. “Can I be honest with you?”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” He shot back, giving a small glare. Why was she even asking?

Offering another small smile, she nodded.

“I know you wouldn’t. I’ve just never talked to anyone about this.”

“What is it?”

“You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.” She said sternly.

“I promise.”

Byleth took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she tried to centre herself.

“You all know that something happened to me when I disappeared and cut that hole in the sky.” She started, earning a nod from Felix. “Rhea went on about how I was supposed to receive some message from the Goddess. But the thing is, the Goddess was always there for me.”

“Huh?”

“Sothis,” She said softly, tracing her finger on the table. “Ever since I can remember, I’ve always seen her sleeping on a throne. Like the one in the Holy Tomb.”

He remembered the tomb far too well for his taste.

That event changed the course of their lives forever.

“She slept in my dreams my whole life, up until I was at Remire Village with my father. That was the first time she talked to me, and also the day I met all of you.” She explained.

He remembered that day as well. The minute everyone got back to the monastery, Dimitri started boasting about the woman who’d saved Edelgard and the rest of them from bandits. The way he’d described her caught his interest immediately. A traveling mercenary who’s sword skills were unparalleled. He had to see her for himself as fast as he could.

“Anyway, from that day forward Sothis would talk to me. We’d have conversations and she was trying to put together her past as I was starting out as a teacher here. Some things were familiar to her. I had no idea what she was talking about because up until that point, I had been somewhat of a void. My father kept me away from the church for a reason, so I never knew Sothis was anyone special until Rhea brought her up.”

“So, you talked to the Goddess in your head?” He asked, words feeling weird coming out of his mouth.

But this was Byleth talking, of course, it was something weird.

“Yes, she was trying to figure out her memories. Our bond. It all became even more strange when I came here and started learning more about myself. And then my father died. I hadn’t really felt anything until that moment.”

“Felt anything?”

“Strong emotions, I suppose. I’ve been even-keeled my whole life, to the point of concern from my father when I was a baby. I didn’t cry. I didn’t laugh. I’m sure he was worried I was empty, and that’s sort of how I felt looking back on it.”

Felix could hardly relate to that statement, having experienced strong emotions his whole life. He used to hate the fact that he’d cry so easily when he was younger, and now anger was something he was all too familiar with.

“After that, once we went to the Sealed Forest and that whole deal happened, I was sucked into the darkness with Sothis. She offered me her powers so we could both live on. We fused, so I gained this hair, these eyes, and apparently now these emotions.” She explained sadly, stirring her spoon in her cup. “I didn’t have very long to figure them all out before I fell off that cliff and disappeared for five years, but here we are now.”

Felix was sure this was the most he’d ever heard her speak. He had so many questions spinning through his head about all of it, though he didn’t know where to start and he didn’t want her to stop talking. He’d never been devout to the church, but if what Byleth was talking about was real, and he _did_ believe her… that meant the Goddess was real after all?

The true depth of how overwhelmed she must be hit him now.

“I know it’s a lot to process, trust me.” She sighed looking back up at him.

“No kidding,” He scoffed, leaning on the table. “Do you think the Goddess is the reason why you survived the fall?”

“Yes, I think so.” Byleth nodded. “Sothis had mentioned needing to sleep to regain power, so I assume that’s what happened to me. It’s almost like I’ve been some kind of vessel for her all this time. I was walking around experiencing things, and she was the one feeling them. And since we’ve fused, I think I experience more of it now, even though she might still be here.”

“So, not only did you just wake up and have to process everything that’s going on now, but you’re still learning how to experience these new emotions.” He said, trying out his understanding.

“Yes, more or less.” She nodded again, running a hand through her hair. “I always had my dad, growing up. And though our time speaking together was brief, Sothis was with me my entire life. Now they’re both gone and I am trying my best to lead everyone through this _war._ It’s a lot of pressure and sometimes I wish I could be like I used to and feel nothing at all.”

He understood. So many times he’d wished he could do the same.

“That doesn’t make it okay, you know that right?” He asked.

“I know.”

“You could’ve gotten hypothermia and died.”

“I know, Felix.”

The frustration he had for that didn’t subside any more, but at least he knew why. He couldn’t help but feel like he needed to do something about it now that she’d told him everything. There was only one thing he really had to offer.

“Listen, I usually wouldn’t do this, but I want you to come to find me if you ever feel like that again.” He said firmly, eyes flickering between her own green eyes and the table. “I don’t care if it’s in the middle of the night, we can go to the training grounds and spar to help clear your head.”

“Felix, you don’t have—“

“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to.”

“I know you wouldn’t, but we all have enough going on.”

“Byleth.” He snapped, reaching over to grab her hand that was on the table. The contact with her cold skin sent an electric shock all the way up his arm. Her piercing green eyes met his and all of the contact was enough to make him flush again. Felix quickly withdrew his hand and leaned back in the chair, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Okay.” She sighed, taking another sip from her cup. “You have to promise me the same, then.”

“No, you already have enough going on and I can handle myself.”

“I know you can, but so can I. It’s hypocritical to offer me help and not allow me to do the same. You’ve said it before, we are cut from the same cloth.” She mused, softly smirking. “Let me be here.”

Felix couldn’t argue there.

Rolling his eyes, he sighed.

“Fine. Are we going now, or what?”

“After we finish this tea. It’s expensive now.”

He scoffs, picking up his teacup again. This flavour had always been his favourite, though it really had been a long time since he’d found it for sale. The war had made trading difficult between any of the territories, it was a wonder she’d found it at all.

“Why do you still buy it if it’s so expensive?”

“Because it’s your favourite.” She said, matter of factly.

His mouth hung open for a moment at that, leaning on his hand to cover his face again.

She had remembered that?

Why did he care that she remembered?

What the _hell_ was wrong with him?

“You should be spending that gold on weapons or medicines,” Felix said sternly, staring at the table.

“I don’t spend the war effort’s gold on tea, Felix.” She shook her head, clearly amused.

“Then where do you get the money?” He shot back, honestly curious.

“I fish in my spare time and sell the catch to the kitchen or the market,” Byleth said simply, with a small shrug of her shoulders.

“Where do you get the time to fish?” His brows knit together in confusion.

Byleth was constantly fluttering from place to place in the monastery. It was almost easier to stay in place than to actively search for the woman. How the hell did she find the time to _fish?_

“I _make_ time for it.”

Staring at her amused expression for a moment, he remembered asking Ashe if he’d seen Byleth around. He’d said she was ‘in her office.’

Felix went to her office.

She wasn’t there.

“Ah.” He snapped his fingers, shaking his head at her. “So that’s what ‘working in your office’ means, hm?”

“Perhaps.” She said, looking thoroughly pleased with herself.

“You’re unbelievable.”

“So I’ve heard.”

~

During the next few weeks, Felix stayed at the training grounds later than usual, and surely enough, Byleth ended up showing up.

Sometimes they talked, sometimes they didn’t. Sometimes they ended up sitting on the training grounds floor together after sparring, looking up at the night sky. They’d even moved some of their sparrings to the third-floor courtyard if it was late enough, having no one to disturb all the way on the top floor. The added challenge of the ponds was a fun obstacle to work with, though he would absolutely never tell anyone how many times he’d almost fallen in. He’d sworn Byleth to secrecy, and she’d promised to keep it.

Annoyingly, Felix still had yet to notch a win against the woman. She channeled all of her strength into their sparring matches, disarming him and pinning him in every which way. They left each other with more bruises than he cared to admit, walking it off like it was no big deal but silently wishing he’d snuck off to see Mercedes a few times. It was infuriating and fuelling all at the same time. The need to win coursed through his veins just as it did for her. She never let up, and neither did he. And Felix would never want it any other way.

When Byleth did talk, he couldn’t help but stare at her, enjoying the sound of her voice but also admiring the words that came out of her mouth. When she talked about Jeralt and their time touring Fòdlan, her vibrant eyes got sad, but she softly smiled through it. All of their adventures made him wish things were different with his own father.

Felix shared some stories of his childhood, even feeling comfortable enough to talk about his brother occasionally. Byleth always had so many questions when he spoke about certain topics, being fascinated with such a different lifestyle. When she learned he had to take etiquette classes to learn how to ‘eat properly’, her eyes went wider than he’d ever seen them.

“You had to do _what?_ ” She’d said, completely perplexed.

“We had to take classes to learn which fork to use for each meal, Goddess forbid you pick up the wrong utensil to shove food into your mouth.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I wish I wasn’t.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes. Glenn had felt the same way about it. What the hell was the point as long as it got to your mouth?

“Is this why Ferdinand always stared at me like I was some kind of monster?” She had asked, the disgust of his old schoolmate finally clicking in.

He’d laughed harder than he had in as long as he could remember that night, much to Byleth’s dismay. She had covered her face in shame, shoving his shoulder as he continued to laugh. Soon enough, she’d joined him in laughing, and it was a sound he’d do anything to hear again.

As they began to get even more comfortable with each other, he couldn’t help but take note of the way she would lean back on her arms and cross her legs one top of the other to stare up at the sky. Every time she looked back at him, he’d look away, too embarrassed to let her know he’d been looking. A few times he’d been too slow, and he thought he noticed a hint of a blush on her as well, though he was sure it was just the light playing tricks. They both weren’t exactly made for that much eye contact.

On this particular night, he felt his heart speed up as he climbed the stairs to the third floor, cursing himself for being so eager to see her. It was embarrassing looking back at before she’d disappeared. He certainly put her through the wringer asking to spar constantly, even when he knew she had other things to do. Byleth, being Byleth would make time. But he wished he could slap his younger self across the face and tell him to get a grip.

He needed to get a grip _now._

When he turned the corner to see her, she was leaning on the stone wall, looking out at the view. The remnants of sunset coloured the mountains and hills in the distance in a pink and orange glow.

She turned her head to meet his gaze, offering a soft smile before he leaned on the stone next to her. It only took him a second to realize she was shivering cold.

“Could you dress properly for the weather for once in your life?” He chided her with a teasing tone.

Unclasping the metal chain around his shoulders that held his cloak in place, he gently draped it over her own. The cloak was way too big for her smaller stature, the furs from the hood causing her mint hair to pool in different directions. She mumbled a thank you with an apologetic expression. Seeing her wearing his cloak made his stomach do flips. _But why?_

They stood there in silence for a while, both taking a moment to take in their surroundings. It wasn’t often they actually got to observe a landscape for pleasure instead of survival. He’d learned to appreciate these small quiet moments with Byleth, whether it was before or after they’d sparred

“Do you think we’re doing the right thing?” She asked, pulling the cloak around her to warm her cold hands.

It was sort of a loaded question.

There wasn’t a doubt in his mind they were doing ‘the right thing’ at the moment, because they had no other choice than to fight for what they believed in. Though, the lines were muddy about what that belief was exactly. For Dimitri, it was revenge. But for the rest of them, it was for their country and the innocents involved in all of this mess. They fought for Byleth because they believed in her.

At least, he did.

“We’re doing the right thing,” He answered, leaning his head on his hand. “Edelgard is fighting for something worthy, but the way she wants to obtain it is wrong. You can’t just declare war and expect everything afterward to be some magical fix for all the wrongs in the world. You need to have some sort of plan of how you’re going to make it happen, and I don’t think she does. She’s letting the hatred of the church and noble ideals consume her.”

Byleth hummed, resting her head on her folded arms.

“That’s a good way to put it.”

Felix was quiet for a moment, stealing glances at her as she processed.

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” She asked now, quieter than before.

He scoffed.

“You’re doing everything you can with the tools you’ve been given.”

“So is that good or bad?”

“Byleth,” He sighed, rolling his eyes as he put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her to look at him.

“You’re doing far better than anyone has in the entire five years you were gone. We were a complete disaster before you came back, and we probably would have lost if you didn’t. You’re—” He sighed again, quickly pulling his hand back.

“I’m what?” She pressed, genuinely looking curious.

He looked at her sternly with his jaw clenched before spitting it out.

“You’re incredible, alright?”

Her green eyes widened before she turned her head to look out at the view again. Now he could really tell she was blushing which only made his worse. _Fuck._

“Thank you,” She said softly before stepping closer to him, their arms rubbing against each other as she leaned on the stone again.

“Yeah.” He shrugged, looking in the same direction as her.

“Felix?” Byleth asked suddenly, turning her body to face him. He copied her movement, now staring down at her. The way she’d said his name made his chest feel strange, her eyes staring intently into his own. He tried to shove it away as quickly as he could.

Her small hand began to reach out to touch his arm.

“I wanted to—“

“Professor?”

Felix almost jumped at the new voice, and that was extremely rare. He’d been so caught up in Byleth, he didn’t even hear the person coming down the hallway.

What the hell was he doing?

“Yes?” She called out, stepping towards the messenger.

“Lord Rodrigue has called a meeting, everyone is waiting in the war room.”

Of course, it was his father.

Byleth looked over her shoulder at him, nodding to follow. For some reason, he felt frozen in place.

“I’ll be there in a minute.” He said, leaning back against the stone wall.

She nodded before following the messenger into the hallway, the sound of her voice getting quieter as they left.

Bringing a hand up to rub his forehead, he let out a long sigh. Why the hell was his heart beating so fast? She was going to say something important from the sound of it, and she’d been completely cut off. But

why did it bother him so much? It wasn’t like she’d never talked about something important before, but the way she was looking at him with those damned green eyes…

Taking a couple of deep breaths, he tried to centre himself before making the walk down to the war room. He really didn’t feel like having everyone’s eyes on him at the moment, and hopefully, he’d be able to take another moment of Byleth’s time before someone else whisked her away.

He had to know what she was going to say.

As Felix opened the doors to the war room, some of the chatter dimmed. He kept his head down as he made his way to his seat next to Sylvain, folding his arms over his chest as he sat down. Sylvain’s elbow was promptly shoved into his arm, his amber eyes snapping up to meet the redhead’s mischievous smirk.

“What?” He whispered, his voice sharp.

Sylvain nodded towards the head of the table, brows waggling in the most infuriating way.

Felix’s eyes snapped towards Byleth, already annoyed at the man for bothering him when they were meant to be waiting on the leaders to begin speaking. He didn’t understand, looking back to Sylvain with an annoyed expression.

Sighing, he leaned back in his chair, choosing to ignore the redhead and wait like they were supposed to. That was when he caught his father staring at him from across the table with the hint of a smirk on his lips.

And then he remembered.

His eyes quickly went from his father back to where Byleth was sitting, feeling the colour completely drain from his face. As she stood up from her chair to speak, the bright teal cloak he’d given to her swayed from the movement. She seemed completely oblivious as well as she began to address the room.

Slouching in his chair, he sucked in a deep breath as Sylvain began to laugh quietly beside him. It took everything he had to not flat out punch him right there, feeling the eyes of not only his father on him but now the looks from a few of the others as well.

Death would’ve been preferred, at the moment.

Byleth continued speaking without giving any of the distractions the time of day, and Felix was thankful for that. He couldn’t even pay attention to her words as he stared a hole in the middle of the table. Anything was better than locking eyes with anyone else.

As Byleth talked about their plans for getting to the Great Bridge, he tried to calm himself and make a game plan to get out of this room as quickly as possible when she was done. He didn’t want to hear a word from Sylvain, or his father, or anyone else who’d taken notice. He knew Sylvain would never let up on something like this, even if he was just doing it to be kind.

She was freezing, constantly.

It’s not like he was going to stand there and watch her shiver.

“Felix?” Byleth asked, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Did you hear me?”

“Sorry.”

“Can you make sure to count for our weapons before we leave for the Great Bridge?” Her expression was curious, taking notice of his strange behaviour.

“Yeah.”

She nodded, tapping the parchment she held on the table to get the pages even before setting them down.

“Alright, everyone get some rest. We have a lot of work to do in the morning.”

Mumbles of “thank you professor” echoed through the war room as the sound of chairs scraping against the stone floor began to ring out. Instead of making the great escape as quickly as possible, Felix just sunk in his chair even further, dragging a hand down his face. There was no escape. Someone was just going to have to interfere before he killed someone.

“Gettin’ cozy with the professor, are you, Fe?” Sylvain teased, earning a swift punch in the arm. “Hey, hey, come on now!”

“Shut up,” He said through gritted teeth. “We were out on the balcony and it’s below freezing at the moment.”

“Uh huh, I’m sure it was all about the weather and not some hint kindness from the depths of your cold, black heart— Woah, calm down!” Sylvain laughed, escaping his chair before Felix could get another good hit in.

“Settle down, boys,” Rodrigue said from across the table, his expression composed and blue eyes burning with amusement. If he was close enough, Felix would’ve thrown a hit at him too.

“What are you two arguing about now?” Byleth asked, suddenly standing next to Sylvain.

“Oh, nothing. You look lovely as ever today, Professo— Hey, not you, too!” He pouted, getting a shove from Byleth. She glared at the redhead while he laughed with his hands up.

Felix stood from his chair now, eyes piercing into his childhood friend as he began to walk away with a wink. Why was he still friends with that idiot?

Rodrigue joined Felix and Byleth where they were standing now, and all he wanted to do was run.

“He’s right, you look lovely today, Professor. Is that a new cloak?” The older man asked, the playful grin from earlier gracing his features again.

Byleth’s mouth opened slightly, her green eyes widening a fraction before her hands were flying to her neck.

“You’re insufferable, do you know that?” Felix complained, his father’s grin growing more.

“I was just borrowing it from Felix. It’s been very cold lately and he was kind enough to lend it to me.” She explained, her cheeks turning pink. Her fingers fumbled with the tie as she tried to speak. “I am still trying to get used to the colder weather.”

“I see. That was very kind of you, Felix.” Rodrigue nodded. “Did you not travel to Faerghus with your father?”

“Not during the winter,” She explained, handing the cloak back to Felix. It didn’t feel like it was his any more, having the urge to just toss it wherever the hell it landed and leave it for whoever found it. “My father preferred milder weather. We took jobs in the Empire during winter, returned to Faerghus during the short summer, and visited the Alliance in between. Where the fish went, my father followed.”

“Ah, he was a wise man, that Jeralt. You’ll have to visit Fraldarius in the winter when all of this is over.” The older man chuckled, raising a hand to give a small wave. “Be good, son.”

“Shut up, would you?” Felix snapped, clenching his fists as his father walked away laughing.

Once he was out of reach, Byleth dragged her hands down her face, letting out an awkward laugh.

“I am so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” He grunted, leaning back against the table. There was no point in leaving now that everyone was gone.

“I just know they’re never going to let you forget it.”

He couldn’t argue with that.

Crossing his arms over his chest, he lifted his gaze and met her eyes. She was still completely flushed from earlier. Why did he want to reach out and run his thumb across her rosy cheek?

“What were you going to say earlier?” He asked, hoping to change the subject. Byleth’s already flushed cheeks turned straight red.

“Um.” She stammered, wrapping her arms around herself. “I just wanted to thank you for being here the past few weeks. I appreciate it. And I’ve enjoyed your company.”

“Oh.”

Felix didn’t know what to say to that. They were only sparring. Sure, they took some time to talk now, but he didn’t think it warranted a thank you. He looked forward to their meetings more than anything else these days.

The way she was stammering about it confused him. Was she nervous? Why would she be nervous?

Byleth nodded, slowly beginning to walk towards the door.

“Anyway, you should get some rest and I have some paperwork to do in my office.”

“Your ‘office’,” he teased, a small smirk forming on his lips.

“My _desk_ office,” She corrected him, rolling her eyes. “Goodnight, Felix.”

“Goodnight.”

As she turned to walk away for good, he felt his chest get tighter, something tugging at his heart that wasn’t there before. He noticed it happening every time they’d part ways, and it was almost getting annoying. The urge to follow her was always too strong for his liking, now.

Tossing his cloak around his shoulders again, he noticed the furs had a different fragrance than before. The notes of citrus infiltrated his senses causing him to smile softly. He’d never noticed she smelled like citrus before.

Felix took a deep breath, closing his eyes to centre himself for a moment.

They had a lot to do in the next few days before heading to the Great Bridge of Myrddin, and he needed to focus on the tasks at hand. Still no closer to reclaiming everything, but headed in the right direction with Byleth’s guidance. He silently hoped that their time together made things easier for her as they did for him. There was no telling when this thing was going to end yet, but he has no doubt they’d find their way. He’d continue to get stronger, to be the best.

It was a long way to go.


	2. fear of the water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 is here!
> 
> we here y'all! 
> 
> this is a heavy one, so please prepare lol
> 
> spoiler (not really) rodrigue dies.
> 
> faerghus four are Not Okay™
> 
> one chapter closer to the meaty post-war stuff i'm excited about! 
> 
> tw: death, vague vomiting, vague descriptions of burying the dead (sorry rodrigue), grief

**Harpstring Moon, 1186**

It was awful.

The second it happened, Felix was standing frozen next to her, and she could hear his sharp intake of breath.

She’d already been through this seven times.

Nothing worked.

It was one or the other.

This was the last time, and she’d failed to protect Rodrigue.

Now, he lay dying in Dimitri’s arms, his son beside her with his shaking fists clenched at his side.

It was a scene that was all too familiar to her, though she was the one in Dimitri’s position. It tugged at a raw spot in her chest, the memory of the pain of losing her own father surfacing again. It was a pain she wished none of them would have to feel.

Ingrid tried to make a move towards Felix, tears already streaking her face as she grabbed onto his arm. He ripped it away without taking his eyes off of the scene in front of him. His father was speaking to Dimitri and telling him to move forward. The blonde folded her arms over herself as she did her best to hold back the sobs threatening to escape for the man who was like family.

Moments later, Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius was dead.

Byleth gently stepped towards Felix again, reaching out a hand. As she stepped closer she heard him whisper.

“He didn’t even say anything about…” His sentence trailed off before he was ripping his arm away again,storming off in a direction far from any of the others.

She didn’t even try to go after him, knowing that he would prefer his time alone. Byleth felt the same way when she’d lost her own father.

Sylvain appeared beside Ingrid, his somber expression striking a chord with the former professor. She hadn’t seen him this sad since he lost his own brother all those years ago. He placed an encouraging hand on the blonde’s back that she tolerated for a moment before she was stalking after their friend. Sylvain closed his eyes and sighed, shaking his head.

As he opened his eyes, he looked at Byleth with an apologetic smile. “I’m going after them.”

“Okay,” She nodded. “Please be careful, we don’t know if there are more enemies on the perimeter.”

Sylvain gave her a small salute before running after his friends.

The rain was coming down hard now as the rest of the Lions gathered around Dimitri. Marianne was at his side, gently rubbing his arm as the prince cried. Mercedes stood with Ashe and Annette, holding hands as she spoke a prayer for all of the dead.

Byleth closed her eyes for a moment, feeling the cold rain hitting her face as she stood with everyone. She tried to focus on making lists of what they needed to do now. Gathering the rest of the army. Finding the injured and treating them. Transporting everyone back to the monastery before nightfall. Making decisions of what would happen with the dead.

With Bernadetta and Raphael, who had gotten caught in the crossfire.

With Rodrigue.

A wave of deep-seated anger began to bubble in her chest, green eyes snapping open with fierce determination.

They had to end this.

~

Felix’s lungs were burning.

He wasn’t sure how far he’d run from the others, but it felt like he couldn’t get far enough.

The trees of the forest he ran into were a giant blur.

With every breath, he felt a searing pain In his chest.

At least it was canceling out the awful grief that threatened to spill over at any moment.

It felt like Glenn all over again, except this time he had no other option than to believe it was true.

His father just died in front of his eyes.

It was too much.

He couldn’t stop.

The only thing that could force him to stop was the bile rising in his throat.

Stopping abruptly, he leaned forward and gripped onto a tree as his body betrayed him. There was nothing left after not eating the entire day, it was only another pain on top of his burning lungs. He stumbled backward into another tree and slid down to the ground, leaning his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands. He could hardly catch his breath. Everything was on fire. Nothing was stopping.

“Felix!” Ingrid’s voice pierced through the quiet of the forest.

He had to get up.

He couldn’t.

As Ingrid reached him, she collapsed on the ground in front of him on her knees, digging her fingers into the mud of the forest floor.

“You can’t just run off like that, there might be enemies in here,” She shouted, scolding him and glaring with all of her might. She was panting so hard from running, her face red and splotchy from the cold and what he assumed were tears.

“Why did you follow me then?” He complained, leaning his head back against the tree and closing his eyes. He couldn’t look at her like this.

“Because I can’t lose another person today, Felix.” She choked out, slapping her hand against the mud.

Did she think he was an idiot?

“I’m not—“

“Hey, no one else is dying today, alright?” Sylvain cut in, panting heavily after running behind the two. He leaned on the tree beside Felix, groaning as he tried to catch his breath. “Holy shit, you guys are fast.”

All of them sat there on the forest floor, the sound of each of them catching their breath permeating through the rainfall hitting the leaves. Felix closed his eyes as he tried to regain his centre, unable to stop the events from the hours before from flashing across his memory.

He saw Bernadetta get hit. It was quick, at least, he tried to reason. Byleth had sent him off towards Edelgard behind Dimitri at that point. The rest of the Lions were dealing with the Deer crew. The entire battle had been long and arduous, the numbers larger than they’d anticipated, but they powered through. They got to Edelgard. She retreated.

They were fine.

Now his father was dead.

Glenn and Rodrigue were dead.

Why was he still here?

Why was he the only one left alive?

Why didn’t his father say anything to him when he died?

He was _right_ there.

But just like everything in his life after Duscur, everything was about Dimitri.

Was he going to be forced to do the same?

“Felix, we have to go back. They’re going to want to know what you want to do with…” Ingrid shook her head, she couldn’t finish her sentence. He knew what she meant. Another wave of nausea rolled through him.

“Maybe you should ask the Boar what he wants to do.”

“Felix, he’s your father—“

“Yes, _my_ father,” He shouted, pausing for a moment to try to reign in the flood of emotions that threatened to spill out. “He’s my father and he didn’t even have a word for me. Ask the person he actually cared about.”

“That’s cruel, Felix, you know your father loved you.”

“If he ‘loved’ me then why the hell am I alone, Ingrid? He cared more about fulfilling some dead man’s promise than to stay alive for the people who are still here.”

“You aren’t—“

“I am, Ingrid. There is no one left in my family other than my useless excuse of an uncle.”

The man was basically a stranger at this point. He’d had a relationship with him when he was younger, something about a ‘younger brother’ bond or some stupid shit. All of that ended when Glenn died and he was appointed the heir. It always left a bad taste in his mouth. Why did it even matter?

“You have us.”

“You are not my family!” He sighed loudly, running a hand through his soaking wet hair. He didn’t have the heart to look at her face. He knew he hurt both of them with that one.

Ingrid had her brothers, her parents, several cousins even though their lives weren’t the most lavish. She was close to them, even through the difficulties with her father. Sylvain had his parents even if they were shit. They were still around. And that sounded better than nothing right now.

“Fe,” Sylvain started, sitting against the tree next to him. “I know you’re incredibly upset, and you have every right to be, but you have rights to a decision here. It’s not like your old man turned into a beast-like my brother… you can still bury him. People cared about him enough to want to bring him back to Fraldarius if that’s what you want.”

If his father had it his way, he would be brought home to be with his mother and his brother. But they were in a war, it didn’t work that way. The fact was that there was too many dead from the entire day, the other armies had completely retreated, and the ones that remained were left to deal with all the dead. They didn’t have time to do anything traditional or special like the old man would’ve wanted. And he sure as hell wasn’t about to order someone to cart his father’s body back to the monastery when the other lives out there were just as important to someone.

“It doesn’t matter what I want, they’re going to start digging the mass graves any minute now,” He swallowed hard, trying not to think about the details of it too much. Sure, they were used to death by now, but that part of it never got easier.

“We can do it,” Ingrid said softly, closing her eyes and shaking her head like she was horrified at the idea.

“I don’t know if that’s a great idea—“ Sylvain tried to cut in.

Felix didn’t even have to think about it.

“Fine.” Felix ended it, pushing himself to his feet again. Every muscle in his body was already aching from the cold of the rain, the heavy wet fabric sticking to his skin like glue. He didn’t bother looking back or giving more details.

That was it. They’d do it. They’d get it over with.

They could choose the spot and come back later if they had to.

Another wave of nausea hit him, forcing the thought of that away.

Who knew how much longer this war was going to last.

~

“Would you like to keep any of his belongings?” Ingrid asked between shoveling.

“I don’t care,” Felix answered, harshly stepping on the shovel to pick up more of the heavy mud. It wasn’t the truth, but he didn’t even want to think about it. What the hell was he going to take off of his dead father’s body?

“Fe—“

“Ingrid, stop,” Sylvain interrupted, an exasperated sigh leaving his body. “He’ll decide when he has to, don’t force it.”

The three of them continued to shovel in silence, panting heavily as they threw the weighted mud from the hole they were digging. As far as Felix was concerned, it was better this way. They’d be done faster and it could just be over. He was trying to shove down thoughts of why it was his father with every shovel.

In the near distance, Felix could see Dimitri arriving with his father in his arms.

He couldn’t even look.

Staring at the mud beneath him, he shoveled even harder, ignoring Ingrid when she asked him if he wanted to take anything yet again.

“I’m going to do it for you if you don’t get out of this hole right now,” She said with a harsh tone.

“Go ahead.” He mumbled, tossing another pile out.

With a frustrated groan, Ingrid climbed out of the hole and presumably took some of Rodrigue's things. From the corner of his eye, he saw her remove his cloak, folding it perfectly even though it was soaked and covered in mud. He saw her doing something with his hands, those must have been his rings.

Felix tried to force down another wave of nausea.

Tossing the shovel out of the pit they’d dug, he climbed out and walked over to the two blondes. Sure they knew his father, but they still didn’t know him as he did.

And looking down, he didn’t even look like his father anymore.

Refusing to take too long to look over him, Felix fumbled at his father’s waist until he found a dagger. From Ingrid’s look, she didn’t realize it was there. It was his mothers, and his father always carried it with him as a memento.

The only other thing he needed was the chain he knew was around his father's neck. Gently pulling back the collar of his father’s shirt, he saw the shimmering silver. As he took hold of it, he removed the chain by carefully pulling it over his head. Hanging in the middle of the chain was his mother’s wedding ring.

Felix had never complained about not having much from his mother. His father had kept most of her things locked away once she had passed, and he didn’t ask questions. He had only seen his father with that chain, and that dagger from the moment she was gone. It had to have been at least fifteen years, now. Perhaps the old man would’ve wanted to be buried with it, but he was going to be selfish. Felix wanted those last pieces of his mother, and now, in turn, his father.

Passing the items off to Ingrid, Felix walked away from the scene for a moment. It really was surreal to be taking these things he’d seen his father wear nearly his whole life. The man was sentimental, in his own ways. Not necessarily outwardly affectionate, but he valued small trinkets from those he loved.

He tried to make peace with the assumption he would want Felix to have them.

Behind him, he could hear Dimitri and Sylvain lowering his father into the grave they’d dug him.

Clenching his jaw tightly, he ignored another wave of nausea as he heard them begin to fill the grave.

Felix steeled himself as much as he could before turning around and picking up the shovel again.

After shoveling the last pile of mud on top of the patch, Felix tossed the shovel to the side and stumbled back away from the spot. It was done. It was over. His father was dead. He was alone. His fists were clenched at his sides, willing the shaking from the cold of the rain and intensity of the day to go away.

It didn’t feel real. It felt all too real.

“Do you want to say anything, Felix?”

“No.” He answered shortly, pressing his lips into a hard line. There was nothing to say.

Sylvain cleared his throat and stepped towards the new mud patch on the ground with a hand on his hip.

“You had your faults, old man, but you were always there for me when my brother was being a handful.” The redhead started, closing his brown eyes at the memories. Felix remembered having Sylvain over countless times during their childhood, whether it was Sylvain trying to get away from his brother, or his parents sending him over so they could deal with the older Gautier. Every time, it wasn’t pretty. And every time Felix’s parents had taken Sylvain in.

Even though Glenn wasn’t much older than Sylvain, he still acted like a big brother. He was old enough to realize the tension and gravity of the situation Sylvain was dealing with, and he tried to make it better in all the ways he could. Rodrigue had always snuck the boys a treat after Felix’s mother told them to go to bed, keeping them up later by reading them stories.

“Thanks for taking care of everyone when they needed it.” Sylvain ended his small speech with that, stepping back into line beside Felix.

Felix was thankful for those moments, even though things went to shit later in life.

Ingrid then stepped up, folding her hands in front of her. Felix knew he was going to hate what was about to come out of her mouth. He couldn’t quite find the energy to fight it.

“Lord Rodrigue, you died fulfilling your promise to our late King, and have blessed us with the ability to move forward with His Highness,” She paused, taking in a shaky breath. Felix was hating every minute of this. “You died for something you believed in, and you stayed true to your duty until the end. For that, I am eternally grateful.”

Felix’s fists were trembling harder now, surprising the urge to lash out about her speech. There was nothing honourable about giving your life for someone else. It just left people behind. Sylvain placed a hand on his shoulder to keep him from launching himself forward.

“Thank you for treating me like family, even though you were not obligated, after what happened to Glenn.” She continued, fumbling with her fingers in front of her. “You are in the arms of the Goddess now, and I pray she brings you peace.”

Felix remembered a time not long after Glenn died where Ingrid’s family came to visit. She and Felix were sitting in one part of the gardens while their parents _talked._ There were shoutings of _“we made a deal,”_ and _“that deal was broken the moment my son died.”_ A loud rebuttal of _“you have another son,”_ and a slam of a fist on a metal garden table with a _“that is not up for discussion”_ that caused the birds to go flying, and Ingrid and Felix to wince.

He vividly remembered his father’s voice calming, but only barely, stating, “ _The Galatea family is always welcome, Ingrid will always be bound to us in an inexplicable bond. She is our family, but she is not marrying into it anymore.”_

Ingrid’s family wasn’t happy to hear it, even though Rodrigue had offered some sort of relief for the broken contract. It wasn’t like he’d expected his son to die, and both Felix and Ingrid were silently thankful they weren’t shoved together.

As Ingrid stepped back in line with Felix and Sylvain, the redhead looked over at their other blonde friend, who stared at the grave in front of them with a clearer eye. He looked more conscious than Felix had seen him in a while. It made an anger bubble up slowly, realizing he may have snapped out of whatever had been haunting him for so long. Fucking ridiculous.

“Dima?” Sylvain asked, calling him by their childhood nickname that made Felix want to throw up again. He didn’t deserve to be called that yet. “Anything you want to say?”

“No,” The haunted prince said, shaking his head very slightly. “I will come back on my own time.”

Thank Seiros, Felix didn’t think he could handle it.

Was that it?

What was he supposed to do now?

All of this meant that he was about to get millions of questions from his uncle, asking how it happened, what Felix was going to do now, and whether or not he was going to take his place. As far as he was concerned, he didn’t have a choice. His uncle wasn’t competent enough to lead an area so large, and perhaps, neither was Felix. But he didn’t trust that man to do a better job than him.

He didn’t even want to think about it. They were still dealing with war, for Goddess sake, and now the task of looking over Dimitri fell solely on him. There was an inexplicable bond between their families, one he fought time and time again, but could never quite escape. Now it was sealed. What was he supposed to do with that?

His thoughts were interrupted when Ingrid wrapped her arm around his, leaning her head on his shoulder. As angry as he was at her, at his father, at the whole damn world at this point, he didn’t stop her.

Soon enough he felt Sylvain’s arm wrap around his shoulders, and from the corner of his eye, he could see him wrapping his other arm around Dimitri, too.

There, the four of them stood together like they used to for the first time in over 10 years.

~

By the time they’d all arrived back at the monastery, searing pain was pounding in Byleth’s head. She’d overexerted herself with so many pulses, trying her damn best to keep everyone alive and failing anyway. She knew it was no good to dwell on what she couldn’t change, but this one hurt particularly bad.

She hadn’t seen Ingrid, Felix, or Sylvain since the battlefield, no time to go searching when she had so many people to get back to the monastery. Byleth felt guilty for not being able to reach out sooner, but this was how things were. She’d heard that the three of them took the time to bury Rodrigue.

On her way to the stables, she’d run into Dimitri trying to make the escape for Enbarr. Thankfully, she was able to talk him down from this idea and lead him back to his room instead. He seemed more sound than before, more grounded in the reality of things than he had been. His guilt was still very prevalent, but he didn’t want to let it consume him anymore and for that she was thankful.

Hopefully, this was a good step forward for their leader.

It was just too bad it had to come with such a consequence.

As she closed the door to Dimitri’s room, she glanced towards Felix’s door. It was open, no doubt that meant he’d been at the training grounds since they’d gotten back. A small sigh escaped her lips as she thought about how much he was probably exerting himself. Looking back towards Sylvain’s room, she noticed his door was also open, which made her feel a little bit better. At least Felix wasn’t alone.

It seemed like a bad idea to have Felix and Dimitri in such close quarters after what happened. She was sure Dimitri wouldn’t mind, but Felix… She wasn’t so sure he would want to see the blonde much. Not until they’d both processed the events of the day. Byleth was positive it was going to take both of them a long time to come to terms with all of it and be able to speak to each other the way they needed to.

So, she would do what she could.

She would stay in Felix’s room for the night, while he could stay in hers for the time being.

It would _hopefully_ give him the space he needs from the others.

Byleth quickly gathered some of Felix’s things in his room, knowing he would be soaking wet as the rest of them were when she found him.

After making a quick stop to her room to drop off Felix’s clothes, she made her way over to the training grounds where she knew he would be. As she opened the door, the sound of wood contacting wood echoed in the hall. She winced at the loud sound, her head pounding even more.

It was worrying that he’d been here for presumably hours and was still hacking away at a dummy. It had completely exploded, probably hours ago, hay was strewn about on the floor while the wooden pole looked dangerously close to cracking. Felix was standing in front of it, his shoulders rising and falling with each ragged breath. He had to be exhausted.

Byleth stepped further into the grounds, noticing Ingrid and Sylvain sitting off to the side.

Ingrid was sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, her chin resting on top. The bags under her green eyes were prominent, red patches smattered across her pale cheeks. Byleth wondered if she had been crying the whole time. It was the first time she’d seen the blonde this upset since she met her, and it only made sense. Though they all lost Glenn, Ingrid was still treated as part of the family by Rodrigue. Byleth had seen that much. As much as she and Felix got on each other’s nerves, they were still family in some twisted way.

Sylvain sat beside her, leaning against the pillar. He too had bags under his eyes, his usually cheery demeanour clouded with nothing but what looked like defeat. The redhead was staring towards Felix, though she wasn’t sure he was actually looking at anything at all.

It was obvious to her that they weren’t successful in coaxing Felix away from the training grounds. They had probably been unsuccessful at trying to get him to do anything at this point. He had one thing on his mind, and she assumed he was trying to find some sense of normalcy and comfort in the routine.

As Byleth approached the two sitting on the floor, Sylvain looked up at her without a smile or a comment. He adverted his brown eyes back to their friend who was still hacking at the training dummy.

“How long has he been here?” She asks, joining them in looking at the swordsman.

“Since we got back.” Ingrid mumbles. “At least a few hours.”

“We tried to get him to eat or go to his room. Won't budge.” Sylvain added, sighing.

“I can hear you, you know,” Felix snaps from the middle of the room, his voice echoing against the walls.

“Felix, please,” Ingrid starts, a pained sob threatening to escape. “You’re going to injure yourself if you continue—“

“Shut up,” He shouts back at her, grunting as he takes another hard swing at the dummy.

Ingrid closed her eyes and buried her face in her knees, Sylvain placing a hand on her shoulder, only for her to shrug it off.

They’re all a complete mess.

“Ingrid is right, Felix. You’re going to get hurt if you keep at this,” Byleth says, stepping into the muddy arena to feel the rain hit her face once again. It felt like tiny pin needles poking at her skin, a bitter cold that she could feel into her bones. From the look of Felix, he felt it too. His clothes looked heavy, all of the furs drooping and dark in colour, sopping wet from all the rain.

“If you aren’t here to spar with me, get out,” He says, hitting the dummy as hard as he can.

His hair is completely disheveled and half clinging to the leather tie.

“It’s nearly morning, Felix. You need to rest.” She tries again, stepping closer.

Felix spun around and pointed his sword at her neck, nearly touching her chin. She barely flinched, but her eyes widened at the sight of him. His dark hair was sticking to his face, amber eyes angry and red-rimmed while he glared at her. She couldn’t be certain if there were tears mixed in with the constant rain, but she wouldn’t have doubted it.

His jaw was clenched, teeth gritting together as he pressed the sword towards her again.

Byleth’s green eyes hardened into a glare right back at him as she spun around to grab a training sword from the weapon rack. Gripping it tightly, she returned to the centre of the room with Felix, standing far enough apart to begin sparring like they usually do.

Felix came at her first, using both hands to slash his sword downwards. She countered it easily, holding his intense glare for a moment. That was a stupid move, and he’d know that if he was in his right mind. They continued to dance around each other, Felix’s swings erratic and poor in form. She could’ve killed him nearly five times by now, had it been a real fight. It was infuriating to see him so sloppy.

“You’re going to get yourself killed like this,” Byleth shouted through gritted teeth. Felix was using all the strength he had left against her. It was waning, but the anger from earlier events was fuelling him to extend himself past his limits.

“Shut up!” He growls, landing a few good blows she actually struggled to defend.

Countering his next attack with a surge of force, she maneuvered her stance and managed to disarm him, wooden sword thudding loudly against the floor. Byleth held her blade to his neck as they both glared at each other, panting muddy and sopping wet. From the corner of her eye, she could see both Sylvain and Ingrid crying now.

“Yield,” She demanded, her voice unwavering above the sound of the rain.

Felix’s furious expression finally faltered, scowling as he turned away from all of them.

With a relieved exhale, Byleth tossed her sword on the ground beside his, catching the eye of the others. Her features softened as she looked at the two apologetically. They’d done their best to do what they could, but she had a handle of the situation now. Giving them a small nod towards the door, the other two got the hint and slowly got up, leaving the training grounds behind.

After they left, all Byleth could hear was the sound of the rain hitting the ground and Felix’s laboured breathing. He had one hand on his hip, staring up at the opening in the roof, the rain falling down on his face.

Byleth approached him slowly, hand reaching out to touch his arm before he pulled away abruptly.

“Don’t,” He choked out, his voice strained.

She pulled her hand back and settled for standing close behind him.

“Dimitri is back in his room.” She started, her voice quiet.

“Why should I care?” He scoffed.

“He seems to have snapped out of whatever was haunting him before.”

Felix actually laughed at that. A sad, insincere version of his laugh. It was like a punch in the gut.

“My brother causes his problems, and my father cures it,” He says, shaking his head. “I wonder what shift I will inspire.”

“Felix—.” She started, grabbing his arm now. “You’re not going to let that happen. Listen to yourself, you sound like—.”

She really didn’t want to finish that sentence. He winced at the accusation, and she knew she struck a chord. Silence hung in the air for a while, and she gripped his arm tighter, her nails digging into the wet fabric of his sleeve. He had to know that wasn’t right. He had to know how stupid that was.

“You’re right.” He says softly, looking back at the ground. “I’m stronger than that.”

She could hear him take in a sharp shaky breath before sighing loudly, bringing his hands up to rub his face. Another long silence enveloped them, the distant sound of thunder occasionally echoing against the mountains and stone around them.

“I just wanted you to know that Dimitri is back in his room. You can stay in mine tonight.” She says, placing her other hand on his back. “There's a lock on my door, and it’s close to the training grounds. I figured you could have some privacy from the others for a little while.”

Felix relaxed under her touch, and she gave him a moment to think. He eventually gave a small nod and she squeezed his arm again before he turned back around. He wouldn’t meet her eyes, but she saw him clench his jaw tightly.

It hurt, to see him so clearly struggling. She remembered where she was, not that long ago. It felt like the entire world had been ripped from under her, though she knew the complexities of his relationship with his father were a lot more broken than hers.

She couldn’t imagine how he felt hearing Rodrigue say words for Dimitri and not for him.

Taking a leap of faith, she gently trailed her fingers down his arm and took his hand in hers. The connection sent a shiver down her back as their cold fingers intertwined. Byleth gave his hand a strong squeeze.

To her surprise, Felix returned it.

~

When they arrived at her room, she immediately lit a burner to boil some hot water. Her teeth were practically chattering from how cold she was, her clothes sticking to every part of her body. It had been nearly twenty-four hours since either of them had been dry or clean at this point.

As she lit several candles around the room, she looked back towards Felix and noticed him standing in the doorway. His boots and coat were muddy from training and the day’s events, dripping onto the hardwood floor where he stood. His eyes looked even more sunken in now, the exhaustion and the bags under his eyes more prominent than ever. He had to be completely drained.

“Come in,” She said softly, nodding towards her bed.

“I’m soaking wet.” He mumbled, and Byleth frowned.

“I stopped by your room before coming down,” She picked up the pile of clothes on her desk and brought them over to him. “I hope you don’t mind.”

Felix took the clothes in his hands, gently brushing his fingers over hers.

“Thanks.”

The two of them began to take turns changing, Byleth waiting outside first and Felix second. She peeled off her wet clothes as quickly as possible, feeling her skin breathe a sigh of relief as soon as the wet fabric was off. Her legs felt like ice blocks as she pulled off her tights, changing into some looser leggings for sleeping. It felt like such a relief to be rid of some of the weight. She chose a long-sleeved shirt to warm up her arms as quickly as possible and stay warm through the rain.

It didn’t feel like it was ever going to stop.

Once they were both inside the room, she pulled the smaller table over to the bed and poured two cups of tea.

“You can sit down,” Byleth said to Felix, watching him slowly make his way over to the bed. “Drink some of this it’ll help you warm up,” She handed him a cup of tea and he mumbled a thank you.

For a long time, he sat there, staring at the cup of tea in his hands. His bangs were still sticking to his forehead, hair half out of his hair tie. It was all knotted and matted together from the hours of rain and movement during battle. Not to mention his excessive training after everything.

Gingerly reaching out to brush his wet bangs out of his face, she pushed some longer strands behind his ear. Felix seemed to relax at the touch, leaning into it slightly. He must have been so tired.

“Is it okay if I brush your hair?

“Huh?” He asked, slightly perplexed.

“It’s all knotted to your tie from the rain. I’ll be gentle,” She promised, standing up to grab her brush from the vanity. As she turned around with the brush, he shrugged ever so slightly.

Byleth began by standing on his left side, gently tugging at the tie that was disastrously stuck. She used her nimble fingers to try to unravel the strands that had gotten caught, accidentally pulling at some still attached to his head.

“Sorry,” She mumbled, eyes flitting to his face for a second. Felix was staring at the floor in a daze. She could only imagine how he felt. Sure, they had both lost their fathers now. And it was devastating. There was nothing in the world she could compare the loss of a parent to. But at least her father had called out for her, and at least she was there in his last moments.

Felix was there, but his father had other eyes and it had to hurt.

“I left a key on my desk, you can take it to break in here whenever you need,” She said softly.

Felix nodded at that, mumbling another small thank you.

Wrapping the leather tie around her wrist, she began to take his hair in sections, careful not to tug too hard. She knew that he had thick hair, but she hadn’t expected there to be _so_ much of it. As she brushed through the bottom sections, she carded her fingers through the soft strands as they began drying. Gently whispering a healing spell for the headache he must have also had, she could feel him relax into her even more with a small sigh. At least this made her feel like she could do something proactive to help him, even if she had no words to offer.

She knew, later on, he’d probably want to spar some more, and that was fine by her.

But right now he needed to relax and to sleep.

She wished she had someone to tell her to do the same when her own father had died.

When she was about halfway done, Byleth looked at his face again and notice his eyes were half-lidded now, obviously more relaxed than their earlier encounter. She gently coaxed the teacup from his hands and placed it back on the table as she began to brush the other side of his head.

“Byleth?” He asked, his voice raspy.

“Hm?” She hummed, looking down at his amber eyes.

“My father. Do you think he was happy dying the way he did?”

That was a difficult question.

Byleth paused for a moment, thinking back to what the man had said. He’d admitted his wrongs with Felix to her, and yet still in his final moments, he was very much focused on Dimitri. She couldn’t imagine how difficult that was for Felix to watch.

But if she thought about what the man had said about his duties and his promises to his king… It was clear what his will was, no matter how stupid or selfish. He fulfilled his wish whether any of them liked it or not.

“He died serving a promise to someone he cared about. Rodrigue wouldn’t have been able to live with himself had something happened to Dimitri,” She started quietly, brows furrowing together as she carefully planned her words. “I’m with you on the ridiculous notion that sacrifice is somehow honourable, but he had a wish. He had a purpose and something he believed in. I can’t fault him for seeing that through. I do not agree with how you were treated.”

The memories of what happened when Dimitri was the one dead replayed in her mind. The horrible grief that came from Rodrigue. The regret he couldn’t keep his promise. And she didn’t know which was worse; letting fate decide, or letting Rodrigue live the rest of his life feeling like a failure, again? After his conversation with her the month before, she knew fate’s decision was sound, as difficult as it was. She was angry at the older man for ignoring his son despite the nature of everything. There was no excuse for that since he had time enough to fuel Dimitri onwards.

“I doubt he actually ever wanted to fulfill that promise, but if Dimitri had died, your father would’ve been a shell of the person he was. He couldn’t live with losing another son.”

Felix scoffed, shaking his head. “So he left me behind? Even when he said he wanted to try again, I wasn’t enough.”

Byleth frowned. “What makes you say that?”

“We had a conversation before we left.” Felix breathed, his hands gripping his knees.

“Oh?”

“He apologized for how he reacted to Glenn.”

Byleth watched as his amber eyes wandered around the room in thought.

“He said I was right, that there was something twisted in holding up someone who died as only a hero.” His voice faltered, and he swallowed hard. “He said he wanted to try again, and start fresh after the war was over, whatever the hell that means.”

He took another deep shaky breath as Byleth watched a tear fall down his cheek.

“And that’s something you wanted to do?”

“I don’t know.” Felix struggled the get the words out, clenching his jaw tightly. His glassy eyes met hers as he nodded solemnly. “It doesn’t matter now, I’ll never get the chance. And he didn’t even call for me. Was he lying?”

It was heartbreaking, knowing that they had somehow reconciled enough to want to possibly try to make their relationship better. She knew how difficult it had been over the years, and Felix deserved to have that time with his father, after everything they’d been through. She understood his doubt about his father's words after what happened at Gronder.

Byleth tossed the brush on the bed. Gently running her fingers through his damp hair, she pulled his head into her, wrapping her other arm around his back. It wasn’t long before his arms wrapped around her just as tightly, hands gripping at the fabric of her shirt. She felt her fresh shirt getting wet again as she held him tightly against her.

She rubbed his back in slow circles, resting her cheek on the top of his head as he finally began to let some of it go. It was painful to watch him hurt so badly, feeling a tear of her own escape. She wished she could’ve done something. She knew she did everything she could. She knew how he was feeling all too well. They did everything they could.

Would it be helpful for Felix to know she had tried?

Maybe someday, but not now while he was in the thick of it.

“You’re enough. You’re always enough, Felix.” She whispered quietly, feeling him grasp her even tighter. It broke her heart to know that he felt like he didn’t matter enough for his father to say or do something. She knew the man cared for his son, even if it wasn’t in the ways he had needed. But there wasn’t an ounce of her that thought he wasn’t enough.

After a while, Byleth felt his breathing get more even, each shaky breath closer to being calmer than before. She absentmindedly began to run her nails soothingly at the back of his neck, gently playing with the soft locks of hair that gathered there.

When he finally pulled away, he looked even more beat than before.

His eyes were so red as he wiped away the stray tears with his sleeve. It was so difficult for her to not reach out and touch his cheek, to help him wipe those tears away. She didn’t want to bring attention to it, and instead, settled for tucking a piece of hair behind his ear.

“You should rest,” Byleth said softly, sitting on the bed beside him.

His gaze was locked on the floor, clasping and unclasping his hands together thought.

“I don’t think I can sleep.”

She understood the feeling.

“Lay down, at least, okay?” She asked, gently rubbing his back.

Felix shrugged at that, leaning his head on his hands.

“What are you going to do?”

“I was going to stay in your room if that’s alright. I figured you’d want the space.” Byleth stood up with that, looking down at him. His eyes were glued in front of him, refusing to make eye contact as he reached out and grabbed her hand.

He wanted her to stay?

Felix finally lifted his eyes to meet hers, and she nodded.

She gave his hand a soft squeeze before turning around to blow out all of the candles. The smell of the smoke drifted through the room as lightning illuminated everything again for a moment. It was still raining harder than she’d ever seen at the monastery, a true show of how all of them were feeling.

Crawling into her tiny bed next to him, she pulled up the covers and got herself comfortable. He’d turned to look at the wall, and a part wished he hadn’t. Byleth had to suppress the urge to reach out and touch him again. Anything to make him feel at least a little bit better.

She decided against it, and instead watched the rise and the fall of his breathing until she fell asleep.

~

When she woke up in the morning, he’d already left.

She’d taken notice that he took the key with him, which made her feel a little bit better at least.

At least she knew he was considering taking her up on the offer for some privacy.

The entire day after Gronder, Byleth was whisked around from place to place. She had to check on those who were in the infirmary since there were so many injuries from the three-way battle. She checked with the Knights of Serios to make sure no one was following after them back to the monastery and discussed some next steps with Gilbert briefly before she was able to take any time for herself.

The one moment she did have for herself was going to be spent checking on Felix, but her body had other demands. She was completely unsure of when the last time she ate was, an overwhelming feeling of nausea overruling her plans.

When she arrived at the dining hall, Byleth quickly grabbed whatever she could and made her way to the benches. A wave from the corner of her eye caught her attention, turning to see Sylvain with a more familiar smile gracing his features. She could tell from his eyes, he was still not up to par with normal, but it was better than last night.

Byleth placed her tray on the table in front of her, sitting down across from the redhead.

“Hey, Professor.” He said in his best ‘normal’ voice.

“How are you?” She asked, beginning to poke at the food on her plate.

“Could be better,” Sylvain shrugged, leaning his elbows on the table. “Ingrid is still in bed, I couldn’t get her to come to eat. Never thought I’d say that.” He huffed out a laugh, shaking his head.

Byleth grimaced, understanding the impact of the statement. Ingrid was always happy to have a meal.

“And because I know you’re going to ask, Felix is in the training grounds again.” He started, leaning his head on his hand. “I’m guessing you weren’t able to get him to leave? I never heard him come back upstairs.”

“Oh, no,” She shook her head, surprised to hear Sylvain had waited up. “He came back to my room.”

Sylvain’s brown eyes widened at her for a moment before he sat up straight, a quizzical look settling in on his features. “Really?”

“Yeah,” She said slowly, brows furrowing together. Was it strange?

“I’m glad.” Sylvain smiled softly at her, a hint of his mischievous demeanour returning faintly to his eyes.

Byleth raised her brows in question. Why was Sylvain being weird about it?

“I’m glad he’s talking to someone at least,” He explained.

“Me too.”

~

When Byleth arrived back at her room at night, she was almost disappointed to see Felix wasn’t there.

It had been such a long day, she changed as quickly as she could and rolled into her bed, pulling the covers up under her chin. Grabbing one of her pillows she hugged it tightly before she noticed the faint scent of pine and smoke. It must have been the pillow Felix had slept with the night before.

Inhaling deeply, she wondered if it was remnants from the day before or if it was his soap that smelled so good.

~

A few days later, Byleth was woken up by the sound of rustling. Her green eyes snapped open at the unexpected noise, noticing a dark figure crawling into the bed beside her. Usually, this would be a cause for alarm, but relief washed over her as she caught a glimpse of Felix in the flash of lightning that illuminated the room.

Wiggling herself over to the wall, Byleth patted the pillow beside her for Felix, who quietly joined her under the covers. Just like the nights before, the rain was falling hard, thunder cracking in the distance. She wondered if it was the rain keeping him awake, or the others on the second floor of the dormitory. Either way, she couldn’t find herself to be bothered.

Felix lay staring at the ceiling as she watched him. It was difficult to keep her bleary eyes open after only getting a few hours to rest the night before, but she wanted to stay awake just in case he did want to talk.

“Go back to sleep,” He whispered, shooting her a quick glance.

Byleth cautiously reached out her cold palm taking his warmer hand in hers. It was always so warm compared to her icy digits. Seconds later, Felix was threading his fingers with her own, giving them a gentle squeeze.

The silence they’d both become comfortable with around each other made her feel warm, and she could only hope it was doing something for him as well. As he’d usually say, he wouldn’t have come if he didn’t want to.

Just as she was going to closer her eyes again, he spoke.

“By?”

Since when did he call her that?

“Hm?”

A pause hung in the air as Felix gathered his thoughts.

“How do you live with the fact that you’re still alive?”

_You’re still alive, and they’re dead,_ she finished for him in her mind.

Shifting herself slightly closer in the bed, she squeezed his hand again.

“I don’t know if it ever gets easier.” She replied honestly, thinking about the overwhelming grief that overtook her when her father died. It didn’t get any easier to make Pulse decisions in her favour either. They were still people at the end of the day, even if she didn’t allow herself to think about it on the battlefield. “We remember them, but we move forward, and hope we do right by ourselves.”

The answer floated in the atmosphere for a while before Felix rolled over, bringing her hand with him. Her green eyes widened slightly, not expecting him to be okay with the contact. But she decided to take it as a good sign, moving even closer behind him now. She knew he wasn’t the type to speak up when he needed comfort, and neither was she. They weren’t touching, other than the heat from his waist against her arm, but she wasn’t about to push his boundaries.

Byleth didn’t remember falling asleep that night, only that it was one of the better nights of rest in a long while.

~

For the next few weeks, Byleth would occasionally wake up to Felix silently sneaking in her room during the night. She noticed a pattern after a while, taking note that he’d show up when it was raining. Most of the time they would sit together in silence, listening to the drops tapping against the windows and stones of the monastery.

If the night was particularly bad, Felix stood in her doorway and waited for her to join him in the training grounds. He’d been more diligent with his actions while sparring since that night. Every move he made was calculated and smart, countering Byleth almost perfectly until she was able to win, as usual. It was like his whole body was in complete control, which was fantastic progress but left him open to some vulnerabilities.

She was sure it wouldn’t be long before he was able to notch a win against her.

Silently, she hoped that day would never come.

Would that mean he’d be done with her because she wasn’t a challenge?

He did say his goal was to surpass her at the goddess tower, did he not?

“What?” Felix asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

“You left yourself open when you did this,” She smirked as she showed him his fault, keeping her actual thoughts to herself.

The ways he was still similar to that kid all those years ago did not go unnoticed, but there was a wisdom that had developed over time. He had a purpose and reason to want to become stronger now, and she could feel it. Maybe soon, he would get a win.

Hopefully, he would stick around either way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip bernie, raph and rodrigue. love y'all. 
> 
> also yes i decided to be able to recruit some people. i love petra, okay? i need her in this.
> 
> grief is difficult to write, so i hope my take was okay. it's going to continue to evolve in the next couple of chapters, so yay? maybe not yay. healing is happening. 
> 
> i'm not really happy where this one ended, but i had to cut this chapter into two parts bc it got too long. forgive me. 
> 
> thank u again to the felileth server for listening to my incessant ramblings, for being a constant inspiration, and for the pet pics. special shoutout to sayl and mel for dealing with even more ramblings. y'all are gems.


	3. find me a way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> k enough angst for a bit, have some fluff
> 
> fluff-ish
> 
> idk y'all, take this lol
> 
> edit: made a couple of edits lol

**Garland Moon, 1186**

Not long after Dimitri addressed the people, the celebrations began. There wasn’t much to go around, but somehow the people in town made it work. Soon enough, the great hall in the castle turned into a war party, barrels of ale and wine rolling in, glasses being passed out and bread tossed around. Somehow, they’d even found instruments, loud joyous music flowing through the hall, and mixing with the sounds of laughter and chatting.

Even with their excited army celebrating the night away, she noticed her team keeping their eyes out. They all faced towards Dimitri, surrounding him in their own ways. With Dedue, it was standing right near him, Gilbert following not far behind. Alois, Shamir, and Catherine were sitting at a table facing the new King, chatting with each other, and sharing some laughs with the other nights. Mercedes, Annette, Ashe, and some of their newly gathered allies sat together talking animatedly. They all looked tired but were carrying on. Byleth noticed Marianne sitting at the edge of the group watching Dimitri. Ingrid and Sylvain are sitting with Hapi and Yuri, where Ingrid seems to be extremely content with gathering an assortment of bread and dishing it out to everyone. Sylvain and Hapi seem to be having an animated conversation.

She’d expected to see Felix with them, but she was sorely disappointed.

Where was he?

After milling about the hall for a little while longer, she finally spots him leaning against a large stone pillar with a drink. He was looking towards Dimitri but didn’t seem to be seeing anything. Completely lost in thought in the mix of the commotion of the party.

It worried her mildly, that he was getting too in his head.

It had to be difficult watching Dimitri ascend without his father to see it. She knew how much it meant to Rodrigue, and there was no doubt it was at least on his mind. Byleth also knew how worried he must be about Dimitri slipping again, as the thought had crossed her mind as well. Though she was a bit more hopeful of the two, she didn’t think Felix would let that happen again.

As she approached him, he nodded at her and she nodded back. Felix had obviously had time to go back to his room to discard his jacket, opting for a more casual look. She noticed his cheeks were tinged slightly pink. It was almost refreshing to see him even a little bit more relaxed.

“I didn’t expect you to partake in the festivities,” She says, standing next to him.

He grunts in response, taking a swig of his drink. “They’re a bunch of idiots celebrating a man they hardly know, but I can’t exactly stop thousands of people, can I?”

Insightful, and a little less combative as usual. Was it the alcohol?

“I’m surprised at how many people have turned up.”

“They’ve been waiting for a new leader for a long time. Rufus was an idiot. Cornelia was like nails on a chalkboard.” He shrugs, and she chuckles at that. He had a point. That woman had an unbearable voice.”I don’t blame them for celebrating.”

“Hm.” Byleth agreed half-heartedly, still unsure how to take it. Felix’s earlier insight on them trusting someone new so blindly was very true, though she had faith in Dimitri. Time would tell for the rest of them, but she knew he would make things right if he had the chance.

“Do you want some?” Felix asked, gesturing at the drink.

Stepping forward, she takes the glass from his hand and brings it to her lips, promptly emptying it. She can feel his eyes on her as she walks to a table nearby and sets it down, returning with a small smirk. She can’t quite tell if he’s looking at her with amusement or disgust.

“I meant your own drink, but alright.” He starts as she circles him, pushing on his back to get him to start walking towards where their companions are sitting. “Sometimes I forget that you were raised by a mercenary.”

“Watch it, Fraldarius.” With a swift jab to his ribs, she narrows her green eyes at the back of his head. “Come on, you’re not doing anything over here by brooding by yourself.”

“So you come over here, pester me about having a drink, _steal_ my drink, and then drag me off to force me to socialize?” Felix asks with a scoff. He’s not objecting though, continuing to propel himself forward.

“Something like that.”

They eventually arrive at a table with new drinks in hand, after a few complaints from Felix. Byleth places her drink down next to Yuri, offering him and Ingrid a nod as she sat on the bench. Hapi and Sylvain were having a very heated discussion about something Byleth couldn’t even wrap her head around yet. She could only stare until she felt Felix slip into the seat next to her, their shoulders and elbows clashing, knees bumping into each other under the table. He was radiating heat next to her.

The two of them stare at Sylvain and Hapi while they talk, both glancing at each other and taking sips of their drinks as the redheads go at it. Something about how much they both hate nobles and how snobbish, especially, the older men are. _Useless hacks_ was definitely thrown around. Byleth definitely did not expect this.

“Hey Chatterbox, Spiky,” Hapi said as she finally acknowledged the new arrivals.

“Hey, yourself,” Felix said back, and Sylvain snorted.

“Oh, he’s cheery tonight.” Hapi quirked a brow towards Byleth and she shrugs.

“He gets like this when he’s drunk.” Sylvain chimed in, leaning his head on his hands.

“I’m not drunk,” The swordsman said narrowing his amber eyes at his best friend.

“Sure, you’re not. But you are sitting awfully close to our dear Chatterbox,” Hapi said with a small nod towards Byleth. She felt Felix tense beside her.

Just as Felix opened his mouth to respond, Yuri chimed in.

“So, you three grew up here, didn’t you?” The lavender haired man asked the trio.

“Felix did, more than any of us,” Ingrid said taking another bite of bread.

“Know any secret stashes of some harder liquor?” Hapi asked, looking between Felix and Sylvain.

To Byleth’s surprise, Felix actually huffed out a laugh at that. “Yeah, but I doubt there’s anything in there now.” She wasn’t sure she wanted to know why Felix knew that. It almost certainly had to involve him and Sylvain trying to get away from a party somehow.

“I dunno, Lambert used to keep the wine cellar pretty stocked…” Sylvain hummed, a curious glint in his eye. “Remember when you tried to pick the lock while I distracted some guards?”

“You did what?” Byleth chuckled, turning to look at the swordsman.

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “It was a stuffy party, we had nothing better to do. My lock picking skills aren’t that great though.”

“Yeah, that was disappointing. Now, though… I bet we could get Ashe to try.”

“If you think there’s anything in there after ten years, you’re more idiotic than I thought,” Felix mumbled leaning on his hand.

“I, for one, am interested in seeing this mysterious wine cellar,” Yuri smirked, Hapi giving him a knowing glance. “It’d be far better than all this ale.”

And now, this was going to turn into some mission.

“You’re on your own, I’m not participating!” Ingrid said, gathering her belongings and stalking off to a different table.

Yuri, Sylvain, and Hapi looked towards Felix and Byleth for an answer.

“Tempting, but I’ll pass.” She said, raising her glass at them. “Good luck.”

They both watched as Yuri, Sylvain and Hapi wandered off to find Ashe, who seemed quite conflicted with their proposal at the table across from them.

“Your plan didn’t work,” Felix mumbled, knocking his leg into hers.

“No, I suppose it didn’t.” She replied, leaning her head on her hand to look at him with mock disappointment. He was holding more eye contact than usual, warm amber pools staring into hers. Wisps of his inky hair had fallen out of the tie, framing his face in soft waves. She’d never actually taken the time to take note of how angular his jaw was, or how dark and long his eyelashes were, or the shape of his lips.

She wondered if they would be soft.

_What?_

Prying her eyes away, she focused on her drink again, because that would solve this problem right?

What the hell was she thinking?

“Show me around the gardens.” She blurted out.

“You want to see the garden?”

“You look like you need some air, and I could use some too.”

He furrowed his brows, looking back towards their drinks. “We just got—“

“Oh come on, you can finish that,” Byleth said as she brought her mug to her lips to empty its contents. It really wasn’t good at all, but it wasn’t the worst she’d ever had before, that was for sure. You couldn’t get picky with war, of course.

“I don’t feel like puking everywhere, thanks.” He mumbled, watching her with the same horrified and fascinated look as before. In a moment of confidence, he joined her in trying to finish his drink as fast as possible, slamming the glass to the table as soon as he was done with a disgusted scowl. “How the hell do you do that?”

“Like a true merc,” She said, slapping the side of his face a couple of times before standing up. “Let’s go.”

Felix groaned, standing beside her and beginning to lead her through the bunches of people. For being on the drunk end of tipsy, he still seemed to have his navigation in check, from what she could tell, weaving her through stone corridors full of tapestries and memorabilia that meant absolutely nothing to her. She knew if she asked, she could probably get the answers, but fresh air sounded better at the moment.

Byleth expected there to be some sort of fancy entrance, but Felix was proving his knowledge of the castle well, taking her through some darker corridors that obviously hadn’t seen humans in the years the dukedom had ruled. Felix used his arms to bat away the cobwebs that had been there for years. They came to a narrow opening in the stone walls, where Felix began to mumble something about it being much easier to sneak around when they were younger.

“Did you just have free reign of this place?”

“If Glenn could get us away from the guards for long enough,” He explained, squeezing through the tight spot leading into a room with a door.

“And what is this?” Byleth asked after wiggling between the stone walls. The room seemed useless.

“Who knows. But it’s here, and we used it to escape those guards more times than I can remember,” Felix grabbed the doorknob and tried to shove it open, but it was no use. Of course, the next logical answer in his mind was to try to kick it down.

It worked, but Byleth still shook her head as he gestured for her to walk out the door with a smug grin.

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m not.”

The chill of the spring night sent a shiver up Byleth’s spine as she walked outside into the gardens. She took a deep breath of the fresh air, feeling better than before in that stuffy hall with what felt like the entirety of Fhirdiad. The gardens didn’t look like anything special really. Perhaps if she had been there in their best season, it would’ve been better. Everything was overgrown and full of weeds, vines growing between the stones on the walkways that clearly hadn’t been looked at in years.

Of course, they weren’t a priority, she understood that. It was still a shame.

“It’s usually full of flowers closer to summer, but I doubt they’ve kept it up,” Felix said from behind her.

“Annette would probably have a fit if she saw how untidy it is.” She remarked, and he nodded.

Felix began to wander down a walkway, and she followed. He began to point out various planters, saying things like:

“This one had blue flowers.”

“There were some pink fluffy things over there.”

“These ones were green.”

“The thorny red ones were always on that arch, and Glenn pushed me into them more than once.”

And though the reality of that seemed far away with everything more than dead, it was still a helpful and silly visual.

Especially ‘the red ones.’

“That’s very descriptive, Felix.” She said with a small laugh. “Do you mean roses?”

“Shut up, it’s not like I give a shit what they are.” He mumbled, bumping his shoulder into hers. Softly, he added, “I thought you’d like to know.”

“You’re right.” She said, looking up at him with a small smile.

He lost his footing and wobbled slightly, grabbing her forearm to steady himself as they continued walking and she couldn’t help but snicker. The warmth from his hand made her shiver.

“Careful, Felix. Are you sure you're _comfortable_ doing that?”

Byleth can hear a sharp intake of breath before the grip on her arm became tighter. As she looks back up at him, he glared and that lovely colour on his cheeks had gotten darker.

“Would you quit it with that already?” He snapped. “It was five years ago.”

“Ah, but for me the memory is fresh…”

“That doesn’t count.”

“Have you not gotten more comfortable over the years?” She teased. His grip grew tighter for a moment.

Uh oh.

He took it as a challenge.

Felix quickly traded her arm for her hand, grabbing it roughly. She stared up at him with her mouth hanging open for a moment before he took it even further, lacing their fingers together. He didn’t give her much time to think about it before he was pulling her forward, and she had to walk faster to keep up.

Now she was blushing, pulse racing in her ears.

It wasn’t like they hadn’t held hands before, they had several times in the past couple of months. She’d initiated it most of the time, and it wasn’t for prolonged periods of time. This was unexpected, even if she’d teased him into it.

Why was this any different?

Maybe because now they were quickly walking together with no destination in mind, hand in hand, shoulders brushing against one another as they refused to look at each other.

“Where are we going?” She asked curiously, willing her pulse to stop whirring so loudly.

“To our old training spot.”

“Training spot?”

“We used to sneak out here to a balcony to spar.” He explained, looking down at her for a split second before picking up speed again.

They mostly walked in silence, and she considered taking her hand away. But at some point, Felix had started absentmindedly stroking the back of her band with his thumb. She wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol from earlier or the exhaustion from the day, but whatever it was made her knees feel weak for some reason. She couldn’t pull herself away.

Felix led her up a flight of stairs to a balcony that wrapped around a piece of the large castle. It had ample room for sparring, Byleth could definitely give it that. They were close enough to the festivities that they could hear people talking and laughing faintly, but it was isolated enough to feel like a peaceful getaway. There is a view of the town from the balcony, lights flickering and people milling about the street even at this late hour. People everywhere were really celebrating this. It was still sort of surreal.

The loss of heat when Felix took his hand away to lean on the stone railing made her miss it, but she leaned on her elbows next to him, looking out at the landscape. It wasn’t unlike their routine at the monastery, heading up to the third-floor balcony. The only difference now was that they would definitely not be sparring afterward.

“If it was daytime and visibility was clear, you could see some of Fraldarius that way,” Felix pointed to the left of their vision, to where she could see absolutely nothing.

“Looks nice,” She joked, and he snorted.

“It’s mostly hills. Cliffs as you get closer to the coast.”

“When was the last time you were there?” She asked.

“For more than a few days? Years, probably.” Felix pondered the question for a minute. “After you… we searched for a while, but we got requests to return home. I don’t remember how long I stayed until we were gathering battalions and trying to set up a defense against the Empire.”

Byleth nodded, realizing how difficult it was to talk about her leaving still. It still bothered her that she was gone for so long.

“Do you miss it?”

“The blacksmith, Lefebvre.” He leaned his head on his hand, a faint smile on his lips. She shook her head and laughed. “The salt-water air is nice too, I suppose.”

“You’re on the ocean?”

“It’s a hike down, but yes.”

“Does that mean there’s fishing?” She asked, her green eyes growing wide with excitement.

Felix rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yes, some of our exports are fish… the ocean only freezes up so much in the winter.”

Byleth smiled at him with a knowing look until he groaned, throwing his head forward as he looked at the ground.

“If you make it out to Fraldarius, you can do whatever you want.”

“You don’t want to come fishing with me?” She asked, slightly disappointed.

“What the hell am I supposed to do?”

A world of possibilities that were so unattainable was whirring through her mind, reminiscent of past adventures with her father before she arrived at the monastery. They were always on the road as mercenaries of course, but the time in between was just as exciting. Fishing trips with Jeralt were always a joy in Byleth’s life, and she missed them more than she’d let herself feel.

“You could take a nap, read a book, think about new sword techniques, contemplate life—“

“Sounds awful.” Felix scowled, though he seemed slightly amused.

“Sorry to interrupt.”

The two snapped their gazes towards the new voice, finding Dimitri standing there with a faint smile. Whatever fun Felix was having immediately evaporated, his expression settling into a harsh stare at his old friend.

“I suppose I should have expected to find the two of you away from the festivities,” The blond said fondly.

“What do you want?” Felix asked, stepping forward.

“I was hoping to speak to the Professor.”

Felix looked back at her with a frown before taking his leave. She felt a pang of guilt for it, wishing he would’ve just stayed and talked to Dimitri with her. Byleth didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t stay around when they had conversations. It wasn’t like all of them weren’t at least… acquaintances, right?

“My apologies,” Dimitri said stepping a bit closer. To an outsider, he probably looked fine, but Byleth could tell the exhaustion from the day was settling in.

“It’s no problem,” She shrugged. “We were just getting some fresh air.”

“Felix seems to enjoy speaking with you.” The blond remarked with a sad smile.

“Does he?” Byleth asked, curious as to why Dimitri was getting at.

He nodded. “I can’t pretend as I know him very well after all these years, though.”

Byleth understood where he was coming from. They’d had a very fractured relationship for so long, it was difficult to even broach the topic with either of them. Still, it was an interesting observation from someone who had known him his entire life.

One that made her feel happy if it was true.

But, there was business to attend to.

Those observations could wait until later.

~

For the first time in a while, Felix woke up without having nightmares.

Perhaps it was the help of the alcohol from the night before or the exhaustion of the battle during the day, but whatever it was did the trick. He remembered somehow stumbling back to his room with Byleth after she’d been roped into gathering everyone to help Claude. She’d insisted on a few more drinks once she returned, and he couldn’t blame her. It just made their journey ten times longer.

He woke up slowly, willing himself, for once, to fall back into the peaceful rest. Despite the slight pressure in his head, everything felt soft and warm. His senses were pleasantly filled with the familiar scent of apples, The only sound in the room was the faint chirping of birds outside, and thanks to the castle decor, it was still wonderfully dark in the room, even with his eyes closed.

The moment Felix went to move his hand Is when he noticed he was holding onto something so soft.

Opening one amber eye, he quickly analyzed the unmistakable curve of her breast under a thin linen top, several locks of mint green hair flowing over her shoulder.

Every muscle in his body tensed, his hand gripping at the place he’d somehow managed to get his palm up her shirt on her waist. He noticed his leg resting between hers when he tried to push himself up, only to be met with what sounded like a whine.

Did Byleth just _whine?_

Her arms were suddenly wrapped around him, pinning him back into her. Once again, his senses were filled by that intoxicating soft scent of apples. Had she always smelled like that? Felix certainly hadn’t noticed before. He’d also never been this close to her skin.

He felt paralyzed.

Usually, he got up and left before she woke up, and now there was no way to escape. Not that he really _wanted_ to move.

One hand began rubbing his back in circles, and he honestly couldn’t help but melt under her touch. Her slender fingers were playing with the loose hairs at the back of his neck as the soft waves of a healing spell drifted from her fingertips. It felt so good, unable to ignore the warmth that enveloped his body and the pool of heat that began to form in his—

Nope.

He had to think of anything else.

Sword maintenance.

Get your oil.

Get your cloth.

Pour some oil on the cloth.

Apply a thin coat of oil starting at the base of the blade—

_Not helping._

He _had_ to move.

As soon as he tried to pull himself away, Byleth clung to his shoulders. Not good. A disgruntled groan left her, pushing up to glare at him with those green eyes. Her hair was sticking up every which way on her forehead in a way that made his stomach flip. It wasn’t often he would describe Byleth as _cute._

Yet, here she was.

_Stop._

“Byleth.”

“You’re the worst.” She complained, flopping herself back onto the mattress. A relieved sigh left his lips. “I haven’t had sleep like that in months. You’re like a wood stove.”

Felix flushed at the comment, willing his tense body to just relax.

“You’re like an ice block.”

Byleth laughed at that, raising her arms over her head to stretch.

“Why the hell is this room so big?” She asked, eyes darting around the room at the over the top decor. He could tell from her expression that it was a lot for her to take in. It was way too much for him, too. He hated it.

“You’re in the King’s castle.” He said simply, sitting up and stretching his arms. All of the tension from the battle the day before had settled into his muscles, and the alcohol from last night didn’t help at all. That would make the day ahead just _so_ much more exciting. The trek to Garreg Mach had to be at least a day and a half. As much as he hated the room, in 8 hours, maybe he’d miss the bed… “This is only my room. They’re all ridiculous, and over the top, and completely unnecessary.”

“This is your room,” She repeated, raising a brow. “A fireplace, reading chairs, a couch, a massive four-poster bed that you’ve been sleeping in since you were what, eight?”

“Two, maybe.”

Byleth scrunched her nose up. “I hate this.”

The two fell into a comfortable silence as they began to get dressed for the day, the room illuminating a little bit more at each minute. Thankfully, because of the night before, it was unlikely the rest of the castle was bustling yet. But they both had things to do before they left.

After securing his sword belt, he looked over at Byleth who stood staring at the door.

“You’re spacing out.”

“Everything from Derdriu is so sudden, I’ve barely had time to wrap my head around our resources here in Fhirdiad.” She explained, looking over her shoulder with furrowed brows. “We’ll have to regroup in Garreg Mach with those who decide to join us today.”

“Whatever you say, Professor,” Felix said, earning an eye roll from her. “Are you going to follow me to the castle training grounds or not?”

“Mm…” She hummed, tapping her chin before opening the door. “After you.”

~

Felix set his tray down on the table with a little bit more force than he’d anticipated. Sylvain and Ingrid barely batted an eyelash at the sudden noise, continuing to eat their lunches while they looked at him occasionally.

He noticed Sylvain take a look at his tray before a small smirk formed on his lips.

Here we go.

“Since when do you eat apples?” The redhead asked, leaning his elbows on the table in front of him. His brow was quirked in anticipation of the answer.

Honestly, Felix hadn’t even noticed he’d grabbed one.

He just felt like it.

“Since when do you give a crap about what I eat?”

“Don’t point it out, Sylvain, we’ll be lucky if he eats another in the next twenty years,” Ingrid scolded him, earning a glare from Felix.

Though they were acting cordial, the pair had been wary since Gronder. What happened in that forest and in the days following still ate at him, acutely aware of their careful movements and words. Moreso than usual. And though as a group, they weren't ones to make huge gestures of apologies, he knew he fucked up here. He could see it in the way Ingrid looked at him with those sad and angry eyes.

When he said they weren't family he didn't mean it like _that._

He thought they were smart enough to get that, but here they were, weeks later, and still, Ingrid looked at him differently. 

Sylvain was better at hiding it, but Felix knew he hurt him too. 

And he didn't want to do it, but maybe there was some truth to what Seteth had said. 

They're what he had left.

“Alright, enough about my eating habits.” Felix rolled his eyes, leaning on the table. The wood in front of them was definitely easier to look at than their faces at the moment. “I wanted to talk to you two.”

“Oh?” Sylvain’s brows raised more at the admission, folding his arms across his chest.

“What is it?” The blonde asked, steeling herself before he began speaking. He really hated that he’d obviously struck a nerve.

“I didn’t mean what I said back in the forest.” He took a quick glance up from the table to their faces. Sylvain was smiling softly now, Ingrid’s mouth pressed into a hard line. He knew it was going to take some work to get her back.

“You were grieving, it’s fi—.”

“No.” Both Ingrid and Felix said at the same time. Sylvain slumped forward on the table more, shrugging his shoulders.

“Thank you for acknowledging your behaviour, but what are you going to do about it?” Ingrid asked.

Felix rolled his eyes, shaking his head at the sisterly tone she always used on him. As alone as he was in blood relatives, she and Sylvain made up for it. Ingrid was always going to call him out on his bullshit. And as much as he’d hate to admit it, he appreciated it. Sometimes. They were family.

“I’ll take on both of your stable duties for the next month.” He offered, earning more of a glare from Ingrid. “And I’ll make you both dinner when we’re travelling whenever you want. There. Is that enough?”

“Make it two months on stable duty, and you have a deal,” Ingrid said, placing her hand flat on the wood of the table in front of them. An old childhood habit, from as far back as he could remember. When the four of them were making a deal, they’d all spit on their hands and pile them on top of each other in agreement. Dimitri was agreeable most of the time, Sylvain being less picky than Ingrid. Felix’s answer heavily depended on whether Glenn was participating or not. Only when all of their hands were in, did they move forward. Glenn was just a bastard and liked to watch the younger one's debate as he led them around.

Thank Seiros, they’d grown up enough to remove the spit part.

Sylvain pursed his lips at the offer, staring at Ingrid’s hand for a moment before looking back at Felix.

“One-month stable duty, and make dinner for me and my _dates_ whenever I ask—.”

“No.”

“This is _my_ apology reward, Felix!” Sylvain taunted, waggling his finger.

“You’re an insufferable idiot,” He scowled, slapping his hand on top of Ingrid’s.

Sylvain winked playfully at the other, placing his hand on top of the pile with a loud smack.

“It’s a deal!”

With that, Ingrid stood up from the table and leaned over it, flicking Felix’s forehead before he could get away. As he glared at her, a hint of a smile formed on her lips. She was the worst.

“Stable duty tomorrow morning,” She said as she began to walk away. “Do not be late!”

Once the blonde was out of earshot, Sylvain’s copper gaze felt like it was burning holes into the side of his head. With an exasperated sigh, he lifted his eyes to his childhood friend and caught his look. That look. That one that meant no good.

Goddess. What was it now?

“So, what’s Byleth like in bed?” Sylvain asks, a wide, mischievous grin spreading across his face.

Felix rolled his eyes and stood up, taking that as cue his leave. He was not about to engage in this conversation, knowing what Sylvain was alluding to.

Had he seen them together in Fhirdiad?

“She snores.”

“What?” The redhead choked out with a garbled laugh. “You can’t be serious… Hey, you can’t just say something like that and walk off, come on!”

~

Byleth had asked Felix to meet her at the third-floor balcony earlier in the day, through the business of her preparations for Derdriu. He’d hardly seen her since they’d gotten back, and it’d been such a scramble to get everything they needed together, it made sense. But she looked tense. Something was bothering her more than usual. He didn't even have the time to stop her to get her to take a break because he'd been busy himself setting up supplies for the mission.

A cool summer breeze jostled her mint hair where she stood. She’d been standing in the same spot since he arrived, going from looking at the ground, to the cloudy sky, to the stone and anywhere but him. The impatience was growing stronger as he watched her struggle to find a spot to start.

“What is it, Byleth?”

“I was thinking about what you asked a little while ago,” Byleth started, pausing for a moment as she clasped her hands in front of her.“You asked how I dealt with living when I was the only one left alive.”

“Oh.” Felix crossed his arms, leaning against the stone. He felt himself closing off already.If anything, he was hoping she would’ve just forgotten about that whole conversation altogether by now. It was a moment of weakness that brought it on. She wouldn’t just rip into that, would she? “What about it?”

He saw her swallowing hard, pushing herself off of the stone, and stood in front of him. Felix watched her eyes dart around the ground in between them, a pained look settling into her usual stony features. What the hell was eating at her this badly?

“Do you remember all those months ago, when I told you about fusing with Sothis?’ She asked. He raised an eyebrow at her, confused as to what she was about to get at now.

“There’s something else?” Huffing out a laugh, he shook his head. “Of course there is. Fusing with the goddess, can cut through the sky, use a relic without a crest stone. Alright, out with it.” He said, leaning against the rocks further.

“I know all of those sound unbelievable, but, really Felix. I need you to take this seriously.” She said, voice wavering slightly. That caught his attention immediately, and he straightened his posture.

Really, what the hell was wrong?

“The first time I met Claude, Dimitri, and Edelgard, I saved Edelgard’s life. Do you remember that?” She asked. He nodded. “The first time, I was the one who was hit, and I would’ve died had Sothis not intervened.”

Byleth let that set in for a moment, letting him wrap his head around that much.

She’d said _first._

“The first time?”

“She gave me a second chance. I got to do it over again. The second time, I blocked the hit, and saved Edelgard.”

She watched as the gears turned in Felix’s head as he tried to figure it out. He could feel her desperately wanting him to understand, but he just couldn’t yet. Had Sothis really been capable of such things? He’d never really paid attention to all of the teachings, but he never once remembered hearing anything about giving second chances like this. If there was mention of that, he would’ve remembered. Faerghus would’ve latched onto that shit.

“So, she gave you second chances?”

“And third… fourth, fifth, sixth… sometimes seven times if I am lucky.”

“Am,” he repeated. “I thought she was gone.”

“She’s gone, but I can still use this _second chance._ ” She explained.

Byleth stopped for a long while as she watched him processing this information.

So it wasn’t just a second chance, but several chances. Several chances that she was able to control? A chance she was able to see enough in advance to save someone like Edelgard.

The fact she’d saved Edelgard at all was a whole other topic. What the world would have been, had she not saved Edelgard… But that was a question to ponder at another time. There wasn’t any changing it now.

It was becoming clear that Byleth was implying she had the ability to somehow pull back time using powers from Sothis.

“So you can reverse time?”

“Yes. Briefly.”

Was that how she managed to get around the battlefield so quickly? How she seemed to understand his moves before he made them? How she understood everyone's moves before they made them? She narrowly avoided death constantly, and they did too. Was that her doing? Was this how so many of them had survived this far, while the others had died?

Did she have a hand in preventing their constant deaths?

He wasn’t even sure what to say.

“How?” and “Have you been cheating when we’re sparring?” were the first words that came out of his mouth.

Fucking shit.

She laughed.

“I’m _not_ cheating, and I don’t know, Felix. If I did, I would tell you… I would.” She shook her head, looking back up at him sadly. There was still something she was holding back.

“What does this have to do with what I asked?”

“I’m constantly trying to dodge death. For you, for myself, for everyone. Sometimes I can’t avoid it. Sometimes I use up all of the chances I’m afforded, and still, there is nothing I can do. Then, it’s up to fate.”

Then it clicked.

She was talking about his father.

And hers.

And everyone.

It was like a punch to the gut.

Gripping onto the stone behind him, he grits his teeth.

“How many times did you watch them die?”

He'd watched both of their fathers die once, and it was enough. Both of those days stayed with him, more than he cared to think about. 

“I lost count.” She answered honestly, swallowing thickly. “With my father… With mine, he went down fast. After that, I was intercepted, and I was told there was nothing I could do. I still tried. It obviously did nothing.”

A hollow pit began to build in his stomach as she spoke, remembering that moment all those years ago. She’d been so broken. There was nothing any of them could’ve done, and now he knew more so as to why.

“For yours, I… Felix, I tried.” She said defeated, her shoulders sagging at her sides. “I reversed back to the beginning so many times… Bernadetta and Raphael… I tried to get them out of the way, too. Every time, they were fatally wounded. Every time it was either your father or Dimitri. Every time it was either your father screaming for Dimitri or Dimitri for your father. There was no good option. I couldn’t—“

“Don’t.” He stopped her, and he saw the fear flash behind her eyes. His mouth felt dry. He didn’t know what to say. He felt selfish asking for details, but he had to know. “What did he say when— When it was Dimitri?”

Byleth hung her head, staring at her hands. “He screamed. He screamed as if someone had just cut off his arm. He said he failed his promise to Lambert, and his promise to Glenn, to keep Dimitri safe after their deaths. He questioned his purpose after that.”

Frankly, it hurt to hear. His promise he’d made to Lambert he knew about, but he didn’t know about his secret promise he’d made to Glenn from beyond the grave. He had no idea he’d promised him to finish his duty and take care of the prince for him too. It only made sense, but it only made Felix feel sicker.

Where did he even fit into any of this at all? Was it selfish to wonder? Did he care?

“He was inconsolable and probably just as bad as Dimitri had been before him,” Byleth said softly. “Perhaps it was just grief in the moment, but what you saw… I don’t know, Felix.”

He understood what she was saying. The grief was too all-consuming. It overtook him. So what she was saying was that it was better off this way?

“This was better?” He asked.

“No— I don’t know, Felix.” Byleth shook her head, balling her hands into fists at her sides. “I let fate decide. I couldn’t make that decision. I’ve been going over it every day, wondering if I made the right choice by you specifically, and some days, I don’t know. The first thing that happened was just like the last. I tried to change it, but I couldn’t.”

His heart sort of sunk at that. Did she feel guilty for fate’s decision for his sake? Because he lost his father and they got to continue with their king they fought for? Because of the loss of the potential relationship he and his father could have mended? In the grand scheme of things, it was so… small. Even if it still hurt. He didn’t want any of it, but it wasn’t her fault.

“Byleth… you made the right decision.”

“You don’t have your father, Felix.”

“And the country has their King.”

As the words left his mouth, he snapped his eyes shut. Was he really just going to give Dimitri this one? Again? Another part of him that wasn’t even his to take? For the greater good or whatever bullshit? It’s not like they had much of an option other than Dimitri. If Dimitri fell, well… According to Faerghus, it would’ve gone to his father. Or him.

That wouldn’t have worked out if his father was as she said.

And he sure as hell wasn’t taking on that role.

She didn’t know that.

“If Dimitri fell, my father would have taken his place. In a state like that, it would be the Boar all over again.” He explained, his voice thick.

“And if your father couldn’t…” She started, green eyes meeting his with a question in them.

He nodded.

Letting out a long sigh, he ran his hand through his bangs. “Dimitri is where he needs to be now.”

A silence hung in the air, only stopped by the sound of Byleth’s heels clicking against the stone as she came to lean beside him.

“Are you mad at me for not telling you earlier?”

He had to think about that one for a while. Anger wasn’t the right word here. Maybe disappointment? A little bit hurt that she didn’t feel like she could trust him those months ago with this information when she’d talked to him the first time? Maybe it was selfish to think she’d spill everything, then and there. It had only been a couple of months after meeting again.

Mostly he was concerned that she’d presumably shouldered this burden by herself this whole time.

To hold the decision to change fate in her hands.

She never stopped getting more intriguing.

“I can’t imagine what you’ve seen.”

Byleth hummed, wrapping her arms around herself.

“And I’m not angry. If you told me when it happened, I probably wouldn’t have taken it very well. And if you’re wondering, I don’t blame you. I blame that girl who did it.”

“It was easier to accept death when I didn’t have the ability to change it.”

He nodded. That was tough to swallow.

“To get back to your question, I really don’t know how to survive it, other than to keep moving forward and to keep living. I can’t look backward. I have to believe that the choices I’m making, and what fate decides is right. I selfishly plow forward with the best outcome in mind. It’s the only way I can keep going.”

Felix could hear her voice breaking, and a pang of the hurt she’d experienced all of those times she’d watched people die over and over again radiated through his chest. It wasn’t just their enemies, he understood. She’d seen their own friends die countless times. Knowing how frustrated she got with him sometimes made more sense now.

“You’ve seen me die then?”

“Yeah. More times than I’d like.”

Despite the fleeting second of hesitation, he found himself holding his hand out to her like she’d done so many times recently. Every time she’d reached out, it had been like an anchor in his raging sea of emotions lately, and it was clear she needed the same. It took a moment for her to clue in, but soon her cool hand was in his, dropping to their sides as he gave it a small squeeze.

Felix saw her fall and thought she was dead once, and that was enough for him. He couldn’t even imagine seeing things over and over the way she did. And now he would make a conscious effort to make that burden a little bit easier, even if it meant staying back longer in battle. As annoying as that was, it was worth the possible consequences.

“I’ll try to stay closer.”

A relieved sigh escaped her as she wrapped her other arm around his, pressing her face into his shoulder. Despite her cold hands, she always felt warm when she was this close. The fact he even knew that was enough to make him will himself to think of anything else.

“Thank you,” Byleth said softly.

The skies began to open up, rain droplets leaving round marks on the stones of the building as it began to fall harder. Byleth untangled herself from his arm but didn’t let go of his hand as she tugged on it with a knowing smile. Her green eyes were still heavy from their conversation, and he couldn’t blame her. Felix could understand why sparring all the time would help her more than he’d known before.

“You busy?”

“You ready to lose?”

She huffed out a laugh as she dropped his hand, and he immediately found himself missing the now-familiar feeling of her palm against his. He watched her for a moment as she began to walk towards the doors of the balcony, mint hair cascading down her back as she looked back over her shoulder with a smile.

“Not in your wildest dreams, Felix.”

“How do I know you’re not cheating, though?”

Byleth let out one of her rare, real laughs that sounded like music to his ears.

“I’m serious, By.” He said with a small smirk, following after her.

“Get your ass to the training grounds, and maybe I’ll let you figure it out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sylvain: hey professor have you seen felix i have a date  
> byleth: nope  
> felix: *behind the door*

**Author's Note:**

> summary: byleth will NOT think about felix  
> first chapter: byleth thinks about felix
> 
> follow me @wyverntaiI on twitter and scream w me.
> 
> (l is an i lol)


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